Fig-Today I would like to talk about lies. It has recently come to my knowledge that we Americans, as a people are being constantly lied to.

Frag-Oh what in the hell are you talking about now?

Fig-Only the biggest farce to be perpetrated on the American people since Roswell!

Frag-Okay, ya know what? At this point I am not sure I even want to know.

Fig- That's okay, I have to tell someone and if it isn't you, then it might as well be the true victims of this giant lie! Everyone needs to know! I will shout it from the mountain tops if I have to!

Frag-Crap. Once Fig gets going like this, there is no way to escape unharmed...

Fig-Now, can I finally tell them? Or are you gonna keep interrupting?

Frag-Go on then.

Fig-*que patriotic music* Okay, well we have all seen the commercials on TV, we have heard the slogans, and we have been told that in order to go anywhere we want, all we have to do is spend tens of thousands of dollars. We have been told that it's tough, we have been told that it is a heartbeat, we have been told that snow, ice nor rain will hamper forward progress.

Frag-*Sigh* I know where this is going...

Fig-We are shown endless mountain ranges, snow drifts, mud puddles, and city streets. We have been convinced that we all need to have these invincible, rugged, yet luxurious conveyances. They want us to believe that no matter what job we need to do, no matter how much dirt we need to haul, no matter how many steel beams we need for little Joey's bunk bed, that this will get the job done! American Style!

Frag-Cut to the chase will you!

Fig-Okay fine! Now will you quit interrupting me?

Frag-Yea, I will,

Fig-Ahem, So As I was saying, we have all of these images of rugged, tough, unstoppable-ness in our minds, We willingly pay upwards of $30,000 for most of these things, yet there seems to be a problem. 

Frag-And if ya haven't figured it out yet, we are talking about Pick-Up Trucks...

Fig-Yes. Yes we are. And the lie is that these can do anything cool at all. All I ever see are ads where they drop what I can only assume to be thousands of pounds of whatever in the bed of the truck and then drive it to the top of the highest peak within 3 states. Or they drive it through a bog that would eat elephants if given a chance, but the truck comes out on the other side all clean and ready to take your wife to an elegant dinner at the country club.

Frag-So uh, where exactly is the lie?

Fig-Railroad Tracks.

Frag-Perhaps you would care to expound?

Fig-Okay, so all of the commercials on TV show trucks going over obstacles that rival the grand canyon at one point or another. And all of the aforementioned traits tend to make great buying points when you are deciding to drop half the economy of a small country on a vehicle. Yet I think that they wait to tell you until after you have signed all of the paperwork, and can't undo the deal, that what you have just signed juniors college fund away for can't handle Railroad Tracks.

Frag-??

Fig-I know you have spent time driving around in the city, and as we live close to railroad tracks, you have to have noticed that more people stop for tracks than red lights. So this leads me to conclude that we have been lied to for years. We have been tricked to spending tons of money on what we think can do anything, except go over train tracks at a reasonable speed.

Frag-Where do you come up with this stuff?

Fig-All of the rugged, testosterone boosting, image enhancing, hauling, conquering trucks are made of the most delicate substance on Earth. And that is why they have to stop for train tracks. So in a Zombie Apocalypse, whatever you decide to drive, dear god, don't drive a truck! Take a Mini instead, those can fit down stairwells!

Frag-*facepalm*