Fig-Oh crap! Science has done it again!
Frag-Done what exactly?
Fig-Created gigantic, mutant killer sharks!
Frag-Are you talking about what I think you're talking about?
Fig-Only if you think I am talking about a movie with 2 ton Mako sharks that only have one thing on their mind!
Frag- I thought so.
Fig-Don't you see though, we can't let the scientists do things like this anymore! It cannot be allowed! First they started with the dinosaurs, and we all know how that ended up! They trashed a good portion of a major metropolitian area!.
Frag-Do I need to remind you that it wasn't real?
Fig-But in this one we have huge ass sharks that take down a whole underwater lab complex that should have been able to withstand several direct bomb hits! And they eat people, and it's all the scientists fault!
Frag-Uh, you know you are supposed to be doing a movie review right?
Fig- I'm getting to it! But don't you see the error in the thinking here? One person gets it through their skull that some animal who can already make a snack out of humans, needs to be fucked with on a genetic level! I mean really. Do we even need to talk about how things like this are a bad idea? I mean the only one with a head on his shoulders is the Preacher with the foul-mouthed parrot. Damn that bird was funny.
Frag-Stay on target here!
Fig-*deep breath* Okay, so if you havn't gotten the gist of this movie yet, then damn, you don't get out much do you. The basis of the story is that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The lead scientist decided that it would be a good idea to genetically alter sharks to give them bigger brains so that she could cure alzhiemers. Not a bad cause, but come on! Have we not learned from our past mistakes?
Frag-Get on with it!
Fig-Okay, okay! Sheesh! So anyway the sharks cause problems and people get eaten like ribs at a barbeque. They manage to get rid of 2 of the giant fish, then they manage to blow the 3rd one up just as it makes its play for freedom. And who knows what would have happened had our genetically altered bag of teeth make it to open waters and infect others?
Frag-Are you going to do a real review here any time soon?
Fig-But I am doing the review! Reviewer gets to write the blog, peanut gallery shuts their cake hole!
Frag- After you then...
Fig-So never mind the fact that there are now bits of modified shark running around just waiting for other fish to eat...Ah damn, there comes the boat to take everyone home from the long weekend!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Movie Review...Twister
Frag-Right now we are sitting in the middle of Tornado Season here in the west. It comes every year and so do the huge death spirals of air and junk. Now tornados are nothing to take lightly. They are very deadly and cause tons of property damage every year. So we are gonna pick on a movie about twisters instead.
Fig-I can't talk right now Julia, we've got cows!
Frag- The movie starts off with a family in what can only be described as a farm house in the mid-west or tornado alley. A family of 3 takes shelter in a cellar, and the father gets sucked up by the huge spinning tube of death while trying to protect his family and hold a door shut.
Fig-It's the suck zone...
Frag-Time speed to today (or mid 1990's if you are keeping track). And the weather center is predicting the worst storm season in like forever. Our child from the first scene is all growed up and has taken the predictable career of storm chaser. She has assembled the motley crew that includes a dorky chick (our heroine can't be the only one) A guy with pretty sever OCD when it comes to his maps, some guy they nicknamed 'Preacher' (not quite sure what this one does), a goofy yet lovable nuisance named Dusty (again, not sure what he does) and a couple of others who just appear to be there for window dressing.
Fig-Enter the old/new love interest!
Frag-The hero of the movie drives his nice new truck and his even nicer new fiance out to where our group of chasers has assembled what can only be described as a tin can with flashy things. All in the name of getting the leading lady to sign divorce papers so that they can start the boring life they have dreamed of. Hero and heroine do a bit of bickering, heroine and fiance trade some barbs, then enters the Dread Pirate Roberts (or at least the guy who played him in the other movie). Words and fists are thrown about like so may cream pies, and many accusations about theft of intellectual property.
Fig-What about the twisters! I wanna hear about the action
Frag-Shut your cake hole! I am trying to give the good folks at home a good overview of this film! So lets see, so the twisters start showing up, small at first then getting bigger and bigger until you get one that decides to demolish a small town where the beloved aunt of our heroine lives and destroys her house, but leaves her really, really cool wind sculptures.
Fig- I am sure that there is a parallel here somewhere, I just can't figure it out.
Frag- So here comes the world changing idea, their flashy cans are too light to be of any use, so the less stated cast members are set to the task of cutting their fingers to ribbons to attach tin can bits to their sensors that live in the flashy cans. Oh, yeah the fiance has bailed at this point. Can't take the heat, and this just serves to reinforce that the hero and heroine are meant to be.
Fig-Can we skip the kissing parts?
Frag-Animosity aside, they try to share some information with the Dread Pirate Roberts, he shoots down their advise and ends up getting killed when his souped up Surburban is taken for a ride and smashed into the ground as what can only be described as a very, very angry god. Now we decide that this is the perfect time to trash a perfectly good truck in some poor farmers field. Then they decide that breaking and entering is the order of they day as they try to take shelter in what looks like Jeffery Dahmers kitchen.
Fig-Are we almost done here? I have more movies to watch!
Frag-So in the end, the hero and heroine end up living through one of the most destructive forces in nature, just to start arguing over who is going to be what since they managed to get the tin can to fly.
Fig-I can't talk right now Julia, we've got cows!
Frag- The movie starts off with a family in what can only be described as a farm house in the mid-west or tornado alley. A family of 3 takes shelter in a cellar, and the father gets sucked up by the huge spinning tube of death while trying to protect his family and hold a door shut.
Fig-It's the suck zone...
Frag-Time speed to today (or mid 1990's if you are keeping track). And the weather center is predicting the worst storm season in like forever. Our child from the first scene is all growed up and has taken the predictable career of storm chaser. She has assembled the motley crew that includes a dorky chick (our heroine can't be the only one) A guy with pretty sever OCD when it comes to his maps, some guy they nicknamed 'Preacher' (not quite sure what this one does), a goofy yet lovable nuisance named Dusty (again, not sure what he does) and a couple of others who just appear to be there for window dressing.
Fig-Enter the old/new love interest!
Frag-The hero of the movie drives his nice new truck and his even nicer new fiance out to where our group of chasers has assembled what can only be described as a tin can with flashy things. All in the name of getting the leading lady to sign divorce papers so that they can start the boring life they have dreamed of. Hero and heroine do a bit of bickering, heroine and fiance trade some barbs, then enters the Dread Pirate Roberts (or at least the guy who played him in the other movie). Words and fists are thrown about like so may cream pies, and many accusations about theft of intellectual property.
Fig-What about the twisters! I wanna hear about the action
Frag-Shut your cake hole! I am trying to give the good folks at home a good overview of this film! So lets see, so the twisters start showing up, small at first then getting bigger and bigger until you get one that decides to demolish a small town where the beloved aunt of our heroine lives and destroys her house, but leaves her really, really cool wind sculptures.
Fig- I am sure that there is a parallel here somewhere, I just can't figure it out.
Frag- So here comes the world changing idea, their flashy cans are too light to be of any use, so the less stated cast members are set to the task of cutting their fingers to ribbons to attach tin can bits to their sensors that live in the flashy cans. Oh, yeah the fiance has bailed at this point. Can't take the heat, and this just serves to reinforce that the hero and heroine are meant to be.
Fig-Can we skip the kissing parts?
Frag-Animosity aside, they try to share some information with the Dread Pirate Roberts, he shoots down their advise and ends up getting killed when his souped up Surburban is taken for a ride and smashed into the ground as what can only be described as a very, very angry god. Now we decide that this is the perfect time to trash a perfectly good truck in some poor farmers field. Then they decide that breaking and entering is the order of they day as they try to take shelter in what looks like Jeffery Dahmers kitchen.
Fig-Are we almost done here? I have more movies to watch!
Frag-So in the end, the hero and heroine end up living through one of the most destructive forces in nature, just to start arguing over who is going to be what since they managed to get the tin can to fly.
Monday, July 1, 2013
3 Jobs that everyone should have
Frag-We here in our twisted little universe like to think that we have a pretty good handle on things. We take care of ourselves, we get let out for walks and we even get fed real food now and again. All of those great things aside, we need to talk about jobs.
Fig-Jobs? Why the hell would we want to talk about that?
Frag-You see, we spend most of our adult lives at work. And when we are not at work, we are thinking about work. But today I want to talk to you about the jobs that everyone should work at least once.
Fig-They have those? I thought you were in the same job until you died!
Frag-It used to be the way that things were done, but not anymore. Most jobs have a fairly high turn over rate. Hell we went through 3 jobs in the last year alone. And those 3 jobs have taught me a lot of things.
Fig-So I guess this is where you tell us exactly what is on your mind right?
Frag-Yes, this is that part. For the first time ever, we had the privilege to work in a call center. And I don't mean for a small company as reception. Oh no, we had to start this out big time. We had to go directly to one of the major shipping companies in the US. I'll give you a hint, they have an eagle for the logo.
Fig-Oh yes, that one. That one was about as fun as being stripped nekkid and left in a blizzard in the middle of Fargo, with a slushy.
Frag-I am not sure it was even that fun. It was non-stop for a good part of our shifts, and the people were so rude that you could strip paint with the vileness that they spewed on a regular basis. They would take out all of their feelings on the poor bastard who ended up being lucky enough to answer the phone. So for our first job, we have customer service!
Fig-Oh, so then what is next? Was it that time that we got blamed for doing someone else's job?
Frag-No, that's a whole other tale for another drunken rant. No next is Retail. The dreaded R word. You haven't really had a crappy job until you have had to clean up a store at Christmas time. You don't know hell until you have had to witness people trample each other and get bent out of shape that the socks they purchased are not exactly the right color of black.
Fig-Wouldn't this be better as a scary story around Halloween?
Frag-Maybe, but I digress, the next job that everyone should have is Food Service. If you have ever worked food service a day in you life, then you know that the only thing worse than serving people food is the knowledge that somewhere people are fishing the leftovers out of a dumpster. People in food service have one of the toughest jobs imaginable. They have to deal with over pick snots who think that they are better than everyone, and then there are those who will try anything for a free meal.
Fig-I love our servers. Everyone should be nice to them, remember, they are the ones who can choose to spit in your food!
Fig-Jobs? Why the hell would we want to talk about that?
Frag-You see, we spend most of our adult lives at work. And when we are not at work, we are thinking about work. But today I want to talk to you about the jobs that everyone should work at least once.
Fig-They have those? I thought you were in the same job until you died!
Frag-It used to be the way that things were done, but not anymore. Most jobs have a fairly high turn over rate. Hell we went through 3 jobs in the last year alone. And those 3 jobs have taught me a lot of things.
Fig-So I guess this is where you tell us exactly what is on your mind right?
Frag-Yes, this is that part. For the first time ever, we had the privilege to work in a call center. And I don't mean for a small company as reception. Oh no, we had to start this out big time. We had to go directly to one of the major shipping companies in the US. I'll give you a hint, they have an eagle for the logo.
Fig-Oh yes, that one. That one was about as fun as being stripped nekkid and left in a blizzard in the middle of Fargo, with a slushy.
Frag-I am not sure it was even that fun. It was non-stop for a good part of our shifts, and the people were so rude that you could strip paint with the vileness that they spewed on a regular basis. They would take out all of their feelings on the poor bastard who ended up being lucky enough to answer the phone. So for our first job, we have customer service!
Fig-Oh, so then what is next? Was it that time that we got blamed for doing someone else's job?
Frag-No, that's a whole other tale for another drunken rant. No next is Retail. The dreaded R word. You haven't really had a crappy job until you have had to clean up a store at Christmas time. You don't know hell until you have had to witness people trample each other and get bent out of shape that the socks they purchased are not exactly the right color of black.
Fig-Wouldn't this be better as a scary story around Halloween?
Frag-Maybe, but I digress, the next job that everyone should have is Food Service. If you have ever worked food service a day in you life, then you know that the only thing worse than serving people food is the knowledge that somewhere people are fishing the leftovers out of a dumpster. People in food service have one of the toughest jobs imaginable. They have to deal with over pick snots who think that they are better than everyone, and then there are those who will try anything for a free meal.
Fig-I love our servers. Everyone should be nice to them, remember, they are the ones who can choose to spit in your food!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)