Fig-*singsong* I'm tired and I wanna go to bed, I had a little drink about an hour ago and it went right to my head..."
Frag-Tonight we will be looking at one of the most iconic horror movies of our time. From the haunting cello introduction, to complete refusal by government officials to do their jobs. Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen I am talking about JAWS.
Fig-"I'm not gonna take this abuse much longerrr..." I love it when the shark pops out of the water!
Frag-Did you know that one of the only reasons that the movie JAWS is as spectacularly and pants-shittingly scary is due to a malfunction? Yeppers the damn shark wouldn't work. So when they filmed the movie, they had to make due with divers and tons of scuba gear.
Fig-If we're to believe anything in the movies, within the first 10 minutes, we learn that Vampires have a taste for little boys via swing sets...And coffee cups are in short supply. It is after all and island.
Frag-I think the tone for the whole mess is set in the first few minutes...the new sheriff gets a steaming hot pile of shark shit dumped in his lap. It's as if no one in the history of swimming in the ocean has ever had an issue with sharks. The town fathers tend to treat the event as something that could never happen there. HELLO!!! You're swimming in a freakin' ocean!
Fig-Hey where do you think a town like that would keep the beach closed signs???
Frag-Surprise!!! We don't have any!!! How ya like them apples!
Fig-I love the fact that the polyester clad fuckery continues well into the middle of the movie. I love the anchors on the mayors suit!!
Frag-Now we have to take into account that the shark managed to take out a black lab and no one notices. Apparently parking trumps snack foods...
Fig-Now what completely blows my mind is the fact that they managed to make 4 Jaws films. And the fact that the new sheriff doesn't like to get his feet wet.
Frag-So after this demonic spawn of Satan terrorizes this poor town, finally a voice of reason appears.
*Enter Quint*
Fig-Man, he makes my nose hair curl! How could you possibly squeeze that much badassery into one single mortal shell? I have no freaking idea!
Frag-So the town fathers decide that the asking price is too much to hire Mr. Badass. Okay fine, personally, I would pay what ever the hell he is asking. I mean how many kids equals $10,000??
Fig- I love the fact that 2 idijits, are using a roast tied to a tire. But I have to admit that when the dock is being towed towards idiot #1, that it makes me question swimming in open waters ever again.
Frag-*Enter Matt Hooper*-Portrayed by Richard Dreyfus, this man seems to be the second least confused in this whole mess. He correctly identifies that the first victim was indeed killed by a shark, and that the one fish they managed to catch was the wrong fucking one.
Fig-*singing* Farewell and ado to you fair Spanish ladies, farewell and ado you ladies of Spain!
Frag-Throw in some male bonding, some dick measuring and that brings us to the final moments of the film. Hooper is on the bottom of the ocean after getting into what looks like a shark cage, but folds like a cheap suit. Quint is spending the rest of his days as poo and Brody is taking aim at a scuba tank firmly wedged in between the bastards molars.
Fig-Seems to me that you forgot that Mythbusters already disproved the exploding scuba tank theory. Damn Science!
Frag-So from this great flick we learn that people can do great things in adverse situations, but money always trumps common sense, and No one ever looked good in pinstriped polyester suits!
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