Fig and Frag Present...

Easter Fun!!!!

Frag- It's that time of year again when people shower kids with chocolate, eggs, and bunnies. I heard that the amount of money spent on Easter is equivalent to $145 per person in the US. Now to be fair, I don't know if they are talking about citizens of the US and bypassing all of the illegals, or if that figure includes them as well. That's a hell of a lot of chocolate bunnies.

Fig-I know for a fact that I didn't spend anywhere near that figure on Easter crap. How do I know? Because the only thing I bought was a pack of peeps. A whole whopping $1.99 plus tax. Why did I buy these cheap yellow marshmallow chicks? One word...Jousting.

Frag-If you have never jousted with peeps, then you are truly missing one of the finer parts of Easter. Peep Jousting allows one to re-create an integral part of religious history. Violence. Through the use of modern technology and a few sharpened points of wood, one can host their very own tournament. And the great thing is that peeps come in so many different colors and shapes, you can set up whole teams! Make up brackets, paint little numbers on your Peeps, hold a grudge match with the chocolate bunny from last year! It's like a final four just for those of us who don't like basketball!

Fig-I do have to say that I prefer the Peeps chicks. They hold the tooth pick perfectly and have excellent aim. The surface that you set them on will also effect their performance. I prefer those thin paper plates that won't hold any type of food that weighs more then a snack bag of chips. They are cheap, and 200 plates is likely more than you will need for your whole event. And you can just toss them. As for the arena (read--microwave), this is where knowing your stuff will really come in handy. I really like the ones with the carousel in the bottom as you get a 360 degree view of the action. But you have to make sure that it's not one of those tiny ones that has really thick screen that makes it hard to see. The lower the voltage of your microwave the longer the match, but you don't have to worry about things catching fire.

Frag-Most matches tend to take about 1 to 1 1/2 minutes. By then the Peep should have almost touched the top of the microwave, if you have a smaller unit, then you may have some clean-up to do. I would recommend cleaning in-between matches as solidified marshmallow is the devil to get off of anything after it is cooked a few times.

Fig-Now if Jousting is not to your tastes, then you can always have the bunny races. If you have a nice sunny day all you need is a bunch of chocolate bunnies (use the same size/kind to keep things fair) and a bunch of magnifying glasses. If you haven't quite figured out how this works...You line everyone up for the race, each person gets a bunny and a magnifying glass (you can prolong the race by freezing the bunnies before hand), then it is a race to see who can melt their bunny the fastest with the magnifier, and, *dramatic music* The Power of the Sun!

Frag-Ha! I see what you did there! Now this one can be kinda messy, so make sure that you either use small bunnies, or you have bowls for the melted chocolate. The first one to completely melt their bunny gets a prize!

Fig-I was thinking that maybe we should hand out colored eggs as the prizes.

Frag-That's kinda boring don't ya think? I mean I was thinking along the lines of those little plastic Zombie figures. Maybe some jelly brains!

Fig-Don't you mean jelly beans?

Frag-Nope, brains. It kinda fits with the whole rising from the dead thing that they have going on there.

Fig-I see.

Frag-Well, whatever your plans are to kick off the season of fertility, have fun, stay safe and remember that there is only so much egg salad that one can consume at a time!

Us Vs. Them

I forgot to post this last week, so you get a two-fer today...

So I should really stop watching the news first thing in the morning. All it does is piss me off when I listen to the glaring disparity that is present in our society. For instance, this morning I was watching channel 9 news and they were talking about Robert Blagojevich and his having to report for jail.

Okay, not a biggie. Then they brought up that he would be coming here to Colorado. Alright, I guess. But not because he was sentenced to come to Colorado to serve his time, but because he wanted to serve it here.

I know right!

I want to commit a Federal Crime and then be able to dictate the terms of my prison sentence. "Um, I don't think I want to go to a prison in the state where I committed my crime, so I think I will serve my time in, let's say, Hawaii. Yep on a beach."

Bullshit.

If you or me or anyone else that is not a high profile person gets busted for anything, we have to go where they send us. We don't get to be picky. I am sure that lawyers have figured out a way to move some of the upper middle class around the country for the best possible stay. But if you can't afford one of those super sneaky bastards, then you get stuck where ever they have room.

Even if it is with Bubba.

Do you remember the whole Paris Hilton in jail crap? I mean she didn't even last 3 days before they let her out because she was having anxiety attacks.

It is this kind of crap that perpetuates the whole 'class warfare'. It's not a case of the poor hating the rich because they have money, it is a case of the poor hating the rich because they do get treated differently. They do get more perks with their paycheck, and they apparently get to pick where and how long they get to serve time for breaking the law.

I sure as shit know that if I were to get arrested, then all bets are off and I will not be given those choices. If I have a panic attack in jail, they would just haul my butt to the infirmary, and give me a sedative. Not early release...

Wag the Dog...

For the love of all that is drunk and unholy! It has only been about 24 hours and yet I know everything about someone that I don't give a shit about. I don't care about Manning, or the fact that he is going to be a Bronco. Let me repeat that for the hearing impared, I. Don't. Care.

I would say that I am amazed that every single media outlet is going balls to the wall with the news that a sports team gets a new person, but that would be a lie. It is an election year, a bunch of politicians have pretty much started down the "a woman is not a person" road, thus erasing years of struggle to become equals, and no one seems to give a rats ass. Apparently the only thing that we phlebs can be expected to care about is who can throw a bag inflated with air the best.

This is a prime example of what is going on with our country. We as a people are more than willing to play with our toys, and leave the heavy lifting upto someone else. We like to be distracted. We want to be taken care of. We want to watch the show with all of the special effects instead of the documentary. We want our country to be what we are making it in to. And we wonder why the rest of the world thinks that we are a joke. Sure we have the coolest military toys, but we are uncouth, rough and only steps away from complete barbarism.

Now I don't think that I would go so far as to say that there is some unnamed entity that is monitoring and controlling our media, but when it is all the same noise on every channel, then I start to wonder if maybe there might be something behind the proliferation of mindless stories. I mean, there is not one form of media that I watch that doesn't have something about Manning and the Broncos. Short of ignoring all forms of media, there is no way that I can avoid all of the opinions, facts, and fluff surrounding this, the latest in trying to propel a sports team to a coveted title.

It's not like there's a war on or anything...

Movie time...Or not

Fig-Hey Frag! Do you know what we get to do tonight??

Frag-Um, no. What do we get to do?

Fig-We get to go on an adventure. We get to traverse some of the most dangerous terrain know to modern man! Then we get to make our way through crowds so thick that you don't have to stand on your own two feet!

Frag-What the hell are you talking about?

Fig-...And then we get to be willingly swindled out of hard earned money, and frustrated to no end!

Frag-I am still trying to figure out where you are going with this...

Fig-We are going to...*scary music*...The Movies!

Frag-Oh no, is it really that time of the year again?

Fig-Yep. When all of the overpriced, over-told, over everything movies hit the big screen.

Frag-The only problem is that everything has already been done. There are no original movies anymore. The popcorn is stale and the prices just keep going up!

Fig-But you are paying for the experience! The stadium seating, the cup-holder arm rests, and the cute little boxes of candy!

Frag-No. What I am paying for is to have my seat kicked by some snot-nosed punk who has no sense of personal space, some idiot who feels that the 'Please turn off your status symbol' message doesn't apply to them, and people who think it's a great idea to bring a 2 year old to the latest showing of a scary movie.

Fig-But, but, I thought you loved the movies?

Frag-I do love movies. But I really don't like going to the theater to see them anymore. I don't like having to take my own life in my hands trying to find a parking space, I don't like the fact that people don't exercise any type of sense when it comes to bringing their kids. I like going to later movies because then I could at least be somewhat assured that it would be free of kids that were under 15.

Fig-So what are you saying? Are you saying that you are going to give up on going to the movies?

Frag-I think I might. I am just fed up with the atmosphere in the theaters anymore. Hollywood has gotten lazy, and I am tired of paying for the same Micheal Bay movie over and over again.

Fig-I miss the cartoons.

Frag-That's another thing! Who here remembers when they showed cartoons before the movie? Now all they show are ads and previews. If I wanted to watch commercials I would keep my ass at home! For me the act of going to the movies has become so unpleasant that I don't mind waiting for a show to end up on DVD.

Fig-But what about the popcorn?

Frag-Ya know, they make these wonderful things called...Popcorn poppers! And yes, you can even buy crappy butter-like oily stuff at the grocery store. What's your excuse now?

Fig-I, uh, I think mayb...maybe the next time will be better?

Frag-I doubt it...

Ramble, ramble, ramble

So I know its been a while since I have written a post, not because I don't have things that I want to say, I have just been stoopid busy. I manage to do this to myself every now and again. So I have to now make it a point to take some time and just write for the hell of it. So here ya go, a nice set of wonderfully disjointed thoughts to get you ready for a snow storm and a weekend.

I figured out a while ago that I really don't like massive corporations. They are top heavy and tend to take too long to react to changing conditions. And unfortunately, one of them has become almost a necessary evil. It is a giant sucking whirl-pool of cheap goods. Stuff is so cheap that everyone can afford to shop there, but then it traps people into having to shop their to get their cheap stuff. Now while there is one that rises to the top of the scale when it comes to just plain nuts and hard to deal with, there are several smaller corporations who make dealing with the giants look like a walk in the park.

These are the aspiring minor demons. They want to reach the full-grown demon size of the corporation in the first part of this rant. These minor demons are in many ways even worse. If you can show that a problem that has cropped up has been solved, then they look to make sure that a totally un-related issue be addressed. And then another one, then another one, ad naseum. I think you get the point. They are like a person with just enough education to make them think that they know it all. These are the most painful to deal with. At least with a full grown pain in the ass, you get to deal with all of the individual cells.

This makes a great portion of my job a pain in the ass. Any little hiccup and the whole apple cart gets toppled.

There have been a lot of hiccups lately.

So now onto the political section of this rant...Remember when the Tea Party was the scariest thing on the scene?? Yeah well now the republicans have surpassed the once laughable group of nutballs. Now, today, they are voting on a bill that could possible end access to birth control for hundreds of thousands of women. And it's the Dems too. They have their part in all of this crazy. It seems to me that both partes are actively trying to distance themselves from their voting base. They are running away from the common people as fast as their little legs can carry them.

And I have no idea who's bright idea it was to all but ignore the fact that gas could hit a projected $5 a gallon this summer. I will never be happier to be able to park our suburban and take the bikes. Hell, I can't wait for it to be warm enough at 6:00 am so that I can ride to work.

I have decided that I love tattooing. I love seeing a peice of art come alive, and seeing people's reaction change at it changes. I love testing my skills, and re-working a peice until it is just right. And what's even better than that is I get to do it again on Saturday!

Valentines day...

Ah, Valentines day. The day of inflated expectations. The day that teaches us we are not worthy of love if we don't currently have someone special in our lives.And the best example of legalized prostitution that we have. If there is one thing that Valentines day teaches us, is that if you give people stuff, they will like you. Love  you even. It is the candy coating on the dark chocolate of a relationship. Sweet at first, then complex with a touch of bitterness before you decide you love it.

Now don't get me wrong, I love shiny, cuddly, chocolaty stuff as much as the next girl, but I love it even more when it happens on different days throughout the year. I love the fact that my husband doesn't need a reminder to do something special for me, or I for him. And maybe I am just getting older, but the thought of a cardboard heart filled with diabetes inducing sweets just doesn't turn me on anymore. The thought of spending cash on flowers that are not going to last is great, but I want my stuff to hang around for longer than a week.

The kind of love that Valentines Day proposes is the kind of Love that everyone dreams of. Yeppers the big 'L' love. The one that movies are made about, the kind that poets spend hours preaching. And yet aside from romantic movies, nothing makes those who are single, or those who can't spend the kind of time they want to with the one they love, feel more lonely. 

And we start our kids early. Who out there doesn't remember going to the store and getting cheap Valentines for your class in school? I know I did. She-Ra and GI Joe were huge when I was in school. So it became a competition. Who had the coolest Valentines for the class? That award always went to the kid who gave out big suckers, or treat bags or anything but conversation hearts. With our decorated paper bags hung off of the front of our desks, we waited. As everyone got up one by one and put those coveted cards into re-purposed lunch bags, we tried to see who was handing out what. The we got to party. We got to sort through piles of garishly colored cards to see if we did get one from everyone in the class. Because nothing sucked quite as much as getting to the last kid in class and realizing that you miss-counted and are short a Valentine. I always over counted.

And even when my teenage son was in elementary school, we went through this ritual. Then in 5th grade, Valentines abruptly ended. It is taboo to have kids that are of middle-school age trading little love notes. So we are taught that it is okay, then it's not, then it has to be okay, or you will be sleeping on the couch for the week. I really wish we could make up our minds.

Doom and Gloom...

So there is a snow storm headed our way. Out here in lovely Colorado, we think we know all about snow. And most of us who have lived here for at least 10 years can look back and remember 2-3 really good blizzards that managed to close down the city for a couple of days. I know I can think of at least 3 without any help at all. So every time we get a big storm headed our way, people panic. No Shit.

Now one thing I love about my state is the weather. If we get a blizzard after December, it really only sticks around for a few days, then everyone can get their kids back to soccer and flute lessons. But there is always a few. You know who you are. Don't look at me like that. You will be filling up every vehicle in your fleet, and buying every roll of toilet paper, and gallon of water you can fit in your SUV. You ask everyone what their plans are if the storm really is as bad as everyone thinks. You plot, you plan, you stock up like it's 1999.

Well, here is the truth. It's just snow, it melts, and most people would be more than happy to miss a day or 2 of work or school to be stuck at home with the family. I can remember the last blizzard we had I believe it was right before Christmas in 2006. It dumped about 2 feet of the white fluffy devil stuff in my neighborhood. Way more than my poor little truck could handle. So I went outside and shoveled every so often to cut down on the work when the snow finally stopped. My son managed to loose his shoe in our front yard. We didn't find it until our fair city finally thawed in the spring. That winter we got at least 5 inches of snow every Friday for 8 weeks.

So now every time we get a massive storm warning we get the 'doom and gloomers'. They come out all the time. Even in the middle of heat waves. They are poised to jump at the smallest sound, an react with lightning speed to try and assert even a small amount of control over natural forces. Get this...You Live In a Mountainous state where snow in the Winter is Common! You know it's coming, you know it's gonna suck having forced family time, and you know you're gonna run out of beer before it's all over.

I kinda like to snow...