Movie Review...Twister

Frag-Right now we are sitting in the middle of Tornado Season here in the west. It comes every year and so do the huge death spirals of air and junk. Now tornados are nothing to take lightly. They are very deadly and cause tons of property damage every year. So we are gonna pick on a movie about twisters instead.

Fig-I can't talk right now Julia, we've got cows!

Frag- The movie starts off with a family in what can only be described as a farm house in the mid-west or tornado alley. A family of 3 takes shelter in a cellar, and the father gets sucked up by the huge spinning tube of  death while trying to protect his family and hold a door shut.

Fig-It's the suck zone...

Frag-Time speed to today (or mid 1990's if you are keeping track). And the weather center is predicting the worst storm season in like forever. Our child from the first scene is all growed up and has taken the predictable career of storm chaser. She has assembled the motley crew that includes a dorky chick (our heroine can't be the only one) A guy with pretty sever OCD when it comes to his maps, some guy they nicknamed 'Preacher' (not quite sure what this one does), a goofy yet lovable nuisance named Dusty (again, not sure what he does) and a couple of others who just appear to be there for window dressing.

Fig-Enter the old/new love interest!

Frag-The hero of the movie drives his nice new truck and his even nicer new fiance out to where our group of chasers has assembled what can only be described as a tin can with flashy things. All in the name of getting the leading lady to sign divorce papers so that they can start the boring life they have dreamed of. Hero and heroine do a bit of bickering, heroine and fiance trade some barbs, then enters the Dread Pirate Roberts (or at least the guy who played him in the other movie). Words and fists are thrown about like so may cream pies, and many accusations about theft of intellectual property.

Fig-What about the twisters! I wanna hear about the action

Frag-Shut your cake hole! I am trying to give the good folks at home a good overview of this film! So lets see, so the twisters start showing up, small at first then getting bigger and bigger until you get one that decides to demolish a small town where the beloved aunt of our heroine lives and destroys her house, but leaves her really, really cool wind sculptures.

Fig- I am sure that there is a parallel here somewhere, I just can't figure it out.

Frag- So here comes the world changing idea, their flashy cans are too light to be of any use, so the less stated cast members are set to the task of cutting their fingers to ribbons to attach tin can bits to their sensors that live in the flashy cans. Oh, yeah the fiance has bailed at this point. Can't take the heat, and this just serves to reinforce that the hero and heroine are meant to be.

Fig-Can we skip the kissing parts?

Frag-Animosity aside, they try to share some information with the Dread Pirate Roberts, he shoots down their advise and ends up getting killed when his souped up Surburban is taken for a ride and smashed into the ground as what can only be described as a very, very angry god. Now we decide that this is the perfect time  to trash a perfectly good truck in some poor farmers field. Then they decide that breaking and entering is the order of they day as they try to take shelter in what looks like Jeffery Dahmers kitchen.

Fig-Are we almost done here? I have more movies to watch!

Frag-So in the end, the hero and heroine end up living through one of the most destructive forces in nature, just to start arguing over who is going to be what since they managed to get the tin can to fly.

3 Jobs that everyone should have

Frag-We here in our twisted little universe like to think that we have a pretty good handle on things. We take care of ourselves, we get let out for walks and we even get fed real food now and again. All of those great things aside, we need to talk about jobs.

Fig-Jobs? Why the hell would we want to talk about that?

Frag-You see, we spend most of our adult lives at work. And when we are not at work, we are thinking about work. But today I want to talk to you about the jobs that everyone should work at least once.

Fig-They have those? I thought you were in the same job until you died!

Frag-It used to be the way that things were done, but not anymore. Most jobs have a fairly high turn over rate. Hell we went through 3 jobs in the last year alone. And those 3 jobs have taught me a lot of things.

Fig-So I guess this is where you tell us exactly what is on your mind right?

Frag-Yes, this is that part. For the first time ever, we had the privilege to work in a call center. And I don't mean for a small company as reception. Oh no, we had to start this out big time. We had to go directly to one of the major shipping companies in the US. I'll give you a hint, they have an eagle for the logo.

Fig-Oh yes, that one. That one was about as fun as being stripped nekkid and left in a blizzard in the middle of Fargo, with a slushy.

Frag-I am not sure it was even that fun. It was non-stop for a good part of our shifts, and the people were so rude that you could strip paint with the vileness that they spewed on a regular basis. They would take out all of their feelings on the poor bastard who ended up being lucky enough to answer the phone. So for our first job, we have customer service!

Fig-Oh, so then what is next? Was it that time that we got blamed for doing someone else's job?

Frag-No, that's a whole other tale for another drunken rant. No next is Retail. The dreaded R word. You haven't really had a crappy job until you have had to clean up a store at Christmas time. You don't know hell until you have had to witness people trample each other and get bent out of shape that the socks they purchased are not exactly the right color of black.

Fig-Wouldn't this be better as a scary story around Halloween?

Frag-Maybe, but I digress, the next job that everyone should have is Food Service. If you have ever worked food service a day in you life, then you know that the only thing worse than serving people food is the knowledge that somewhere people are fishing the leftovers out of a dumpster. People in food service have one of the toughest jobs imaginable. They have to deal with over pick snots who think that they are better than everyone, and then there are those who will try anything for a free meal.

Fig-I love our servers. Everyone should be nice to them, remember, they are the ones who can choose to spit in your food!

Fig and Frags guide to Retail Holidays....

Frag-We are going to do something a bit different, today we are going to look at Holidays. And I don't mean the traditional holidays that everyone celebrates, but rather those that the reatil worker celebrates....

Fig-Having worked in retail for a few years, my favorite holiday was "Turkey Recovery Day", or Black Friday for those not playing the home game!

Frag-That explains alot! Now we will go through all of the reatil holidays starting at the beginning of the year... In January it starts with Valentines day (also known as "legalized prostitution day"). Lately it seems that the cards, and heart shaped boxes of calories have been hitting the shelf earlier than ever. I mean we don't even get done with Christmas, and the next one gets shoved down our throats.

Fig-Yea, but then we get the really fun "Musical nationalities" day...And I love the color green!!!

Frag-Yeah, but it doesn't tend to love you back! And with that we see St. Patty's morph into 4th of July right around the beginning of June, and a never ending patriotic parade of red, white and blue all swirlied together with summer colors, Labor day grilling sales and if you are really lucky... Cinco De Mayo!

Fig-The we come to the most dreaded retail holiday...Back to School! The one that everyone loves to hate!! This one starts, in most areas, around the beginning of June as well. Parents like it because it means the kids are out of the house again, and kids hate it because it means that thier days of fucking off and wasting time are over.

Frag- Directly on the heels of back to school, we have none other that the ubiquitous Fall/Halloween holiday. Orange, Browns and reds cover almost every square inch of everything just after July 4th, and hiding just behind it are all of the fake eyelashes and crappy costume kits, with a heavy dose of black grease make-up smeared on top.

Fig-Oh yes, then comes Thanksgiving and all of the posts on every social media site about how you "should be thankful everyday" and not just when the rest of your family is around and you finally have a chance to ring your cousins' neck.

Frag- And as the circle of the year draws to a close, we are back where we started, with people trampling each other for cheap merchandise and getting all butt-hurt that they didn't get the newest gadget in the color they wanted.

Fig- I am really getting tired of Holiday music in October. Don't they know that it's the wrong month??

Frag-Just keep in mind, that it is retail, and holidays in Retail do not flow by like the ones on the calendar. They show up early and decide to trample you until you submit and wind up buying bunting and punch bowls in every color of the rainbow.

Just a small rant...

I am an artist. I love to create things. I love to see people fall in love and enjoy the things I make and it makes me happy and content to no end every time I sell a piece. But I am tired of people not stepping up. I am sick of hearing "Your stuff is beautiful, I would love to have a piece" or the ubiquitous "You are so talented, how do you do it?"

Now onto the rant part of things, If you really, really like my stuff...buy it! I pour every ounce of myself into every thing I do. And I know that times are hard and there is not a lot of extra cash floating around, so that is why I keep my prices low. I don't try to price match items on Etsy, and I don't sell things for a dollar, like on ebay. I cover my costs so that I can make just a little extra money to do things like oh, get my trucks fixed, or right now, pay for insane plumbing repairs. I also donate half of the money I manage to make from the shell casing jewelry.

Yep. I donate 50%.

So for anyone who has ever made and sold crafts, you know that part of pricing your items is also supposed to cover your time.

Yeah, that rarely happens.

And I cannot begin to tell you how many people say they want to get tattoo work done. And yet, not one has called to schedule an appointment. I realize that the fact that I have to have a day job to pay the regular bills does, in fact, affect the times that I can stay up way late or burn myself out working on a piece. I know the fact that I am not available when ever anyone has and extra $20 in their pockets, does effectively take me out of the running for those 'spur of the moment' tattoos.

I am almost done, but before I finish my little rant here, just remember that even the smallest purchase from an artist can mean the difference between driving on bald tires in the snow, and being able to keep their family safe.

With that being said, here is a shameless plug.

https://www.wepay.com/stores/price-of-freedom 

Fig-Today I would like to talk about lies. It has recently come to my knowledge that we Americans, as a people are being constantly lied to.

Frag-Oh what in the hell are you talking about now?

Fig-Only the biggest farce to be perpetrated on the American people since Roswell!

Frag-Okay, ya know what? At this point I am not sure I even want to know.

Fig- That's okay, I have to tell someone and if it isn't you, then it might as well be the true victims of this giant lie! Everyone needs to know! I will shout it from the mountain tops if I have to!

Frag-Crap. Once Fig gets going like this, there is no way to escape unharmed...

Fig-Now, can I finally tell them? Or are you gonna keep interrupting?

Frag-Go on then.

Fig-*que patriotic music* Okay, well we have all seen the commercials on TV, we have heard the slogans, and we have been told that in order to go anywhere we want, all we have to do is spend tens of thousands of dollars. We have been told that it's tough, we have been told that it is a heartbeat, we have been told that snow, ice nor rain will hamper forward progress.

Frag-*Sigh* I know where this is going...

Fig-We are shown endless mountain ranges, snow drifts, mud puddles, and city streets. We have been convinced that we all need to have these invincible, rugged, yet luxurious conveyances. They want us to believe that no matter what job we need to do, no matter how much dirt we need to haul, no matter how many steel beams we need for little Joey's bunk bed, that this will get the job done! American Style!

Frag-Cut to the chase will you!

Fig-Okay fine! Now will you quit interrupting me?

Frag-Yea, I will,

Fig-Ahem, So As I was saying, we have all of these images of rugged, tough, unstoppable-ness in our minds, We willingly pay upwards of $30,000 for most of these things, yet there seems to be a problem. 

Frag-And if ya haven't figured it out yet, we are talking about Pick-Up Trucks...

Fig-Yes. Yes we are. And the lie is that these can do anything cool at all. All I ever see are ads where they drop what I can only assume to be thousands of pounds of whatever in the bed of the truck and then drive it to the top of the highest peak within 3 states. Or they drive it through a bog that would eat elephants if given a chance, but the truck comes out on the other side all clean and ready to take your wife to an elegant dinner at the country club.

Frag-So uh, where exactly is the lie?

Fig-Railroad Tracks.

Frag-Perhaps you would care to expound?

Fig-Okay, so all of the commercials on TV show trucks going over obstacles that rival the grand canyon at one point or another. And all of the aforementioned traits tend to make great buying points when you are deciding to drop half the economy of a small country on a vehicle. Yet I think that they wait to tell you until after you have signed all of the paperwork, and can't undo the deal, that what you have just signed juniors college fund away for can't handle Railroad Tracks.

Frag-??

Fig-I know you have spent time driving around in the city, and as we live close to railroad tracks, you have to have noticed that more people stop for tracks than red lights. So this leads me to conclude that we have been lied to for years. We have been tricked to spending tons of money on what we think can do anything, except go over train tracks at a reasonable speed.

Frag-Where do you come up with this stuff?

Fig-All of the rugged, testosterone boosting, image enhancing, hauling, conquering trucks are made of the most delicate substance on Earth. And that is why they have to stop for train tracks. So in a Zombie Apocalypse, whatever you decide to drive, dear god, don't drive a truck! Take a Mini instead, those can fit down stairwells!

Frag-*facepalm*

Professional you say??

So I have been arguing with myself again. I know why I do it, but it annoys me when I can't come to a conclusion. So it just keeps going. Lately I have been wondering exactly what makes a person a 'professional'. Now I don't mean in a business setting but more in a service type setting. You have professional plumbers, hairdressers, artists, drivers, and the list goes on. But what exactly defines someone as a 'professional'? Is it the act of being paid for your service? Is it the rate at which you are hired for jobs? Could it be that you simply proclaim yourself a professional? Or does one need tons of paperwork behind their name?

You see, I have a professional henna and body art business. And I have made the move into tattooing as well. Now I have discovered tons of animosity between artists. There is a huge rift in the tattoo community. Now I am all for people being taught properly, and making sure that they hold themselves to the highest standard possible, but I also realize that there are tons of lazy people who won't or can't be bothered to do things the right way. From what I have gleaned, if you didn't do your learnin' in a shop, then you are considered shit. You are called a scratcher and scorned by artists who probably started out in a similar spot.

I do think that there are benefits from learning from experienced artists. I have an experienced artist who is teaching me, but alas, he does not have a shop currently. So I have had to learn how to make a sterile shop environment.

But does the fact that my teacher is not currently in a shop enough to keep my from attaining the label of professional in the art of tattooing? Or should it be based on the quality of ones work? Do you want a person who is good at what they do, and loves what they do, or do you want someone who is only in for a paycheck?

I am a professional henna artist. People pay me to provide a service. I am also a professional face painter and airbrush artist. People pay me for those services as well.

So does the fact that ones' skills are in demand make one a professional? Or do you just need business cards?

Now I know that people are going to say that no matter how good you are, if you didn't spend 6 months sweeping floors and making coffee runs, then you don't know shit about the industry. If you didn't crawl your  way up from scrubbing down counter tops, and schlepping crap, then there is no way that you can be as good as someone that did...

So I figure that since I have people who pay me for my services, I am licensed and what not, that I count as a 'professional' body artist.

I think I am gonna run with that.

Fig and Frag Present...

Easter Fun!!!!

Frag- It's that time of year again when people shower kids with chocolate, eggs, and bunnies. I heard that the amount of money spent on Easter is equivalent to $145 per person in the US. Now to be fair, I don't know if they are talking about citizens of the US and bypassing all of the illegals, or if that figure includes them as well. That's a hell of a lot of chocolate bunnies.

Fig-I know for a fact that I didn't spend anywhere near that figure on Easter crap. How do I know? Because the only thing I bought was a pack of peeps. A whole whopping $1.99 plus tax. Why did I buy these cheap yellow marshmallow chicks? One word...Jousting.

Frag-If you have never jousted with peeps, then you are truly missing one of the finer parts of Easter. Peep Jousting allows one to re-create an integral part of religious history. Violence. Through the use of modern technology and a few sharpened points of wood, one can host their very own tournament. And the great thing is that peeps come in so many different colors and shapes, you can set up whole teams! Make up brackets, paint little numbers on your Peeps, hold a grudge match with the chocolate bunny from last year! It's like a final four just for those of us who don't like basketball!

Fig-I do have to say that I prefer the Peeps chicks. They hold the tooth pick perfectly and have excellent aim. The surface that you set them on will also effect their performance. I prefer those thin paper plates that won't hold any type of food that weighs more then a snack bag of chips. They are cheap, and 200 plates is likely more than you will need for your whole event. And you can just toss them. As for the arena (read--microwave), this is where knowing your stuff will really come in handy. I really like the ones with the carousel in the bottom as you get a 360 degree view of the action. But you have to make sure that it's not one of those tiny ones that has really thick screen that makes it hard to see. The lower the voltage of your microwave the longer the match, but you don't have to worry about things catching fire.

Frag-Most matches tend to take about 1 to 1 1/2 minutes. By then the Peep should have almost touched the top of the microwave, if you have a smaller unit, then you may have some clean-up to do. I would recommend cleaning in-between matches as solidified marshmallow is the devil to get off of anything after it is cooked a few times.

Fig-Now if Jousting is not to your tastes, then you can always have the bunny races. If you have a nice sunny day all you need is a bunch of chocolate bunnies (use the same size/kind to keep things fair) and a bunch of magnifying glasses. If you haven't quite figured out how this works...You line everyone up for the race, each person gets a bunny and a magnifying glass (you can prolong the race by freezing the bunnies before hand), then it is a race to see who can melt their bunny the fastest with the magnifier, and, *dramatic music* The Power of the Sun!

Frag-Ha! I see what you did there! Now this one can be kinda messy, so make sure that you either use small bunnies, or you have bowls for the melted chocolate. The first one to completely melt their bunny gets a prize!

Fig-I was thinking that maybe we should hand out colored eggs as the prizes.

Frag-That's kinda boring don't ya think? I mean I was thinking along the lines of those little plastic Zombie figures. Maybe some jelly brains!

Fig-Don't you mean jelly beans?

Frag-Nope, brains. It kinda fits with the whole rising from the dead thing that they have going on there.

Fig-I see.

Frag-Well, whatever your plans are to kick off the season of fertility, have fun, stay safe and remember that there is only so much egg salad that one can consume at a time!