Free POT!

Fig- Now that we have your attention, today we would like to talk about elections.


Frag- Yep they are coming up this year and we get to pick which clown gets stuffed in the car first!


Fig-If only we could stuff them in a car...


Frag-So we have the dull grey mammal party...


Frig-Uh, you just described both of them.


Frag-Damn, okay how about the "Jackass Party' and the 'unwieldy, stompy party', and there are also the 'I'm on my own party', 'the soggy leaf party' and 'taste the rainbow party'.


Fig- Each one this year is offering us something new! We can have an old white guy...


Frag-Not so new there!


Fig-We can have ones that are sponsored by massive corporations


Frag-Nope, try again.


Fig-How about someone who is gonna stand up for the people?


Frag-Oh they'll stand alright. Behind every podium until one of them wins this round of musical chairs.


Fig-Do any of them actually do anything?


Frag-Not really. But the democratic process is important. It is what separates us from warlords and dictators. We still have a small voice. Not much of one, kinda like a mouse squeaking into the wind, but a voice none the less.


Fig- Sounds like we need a megaphone.


Frag-That we do.

Frag-All right you fuckers! We have a PSA for you today. And we want everyone to pay attention to it!

Fig-With everyone moving to our fair state now that we have legal weed, we need to cover some ground rules. And today we are going to start with driving.

Frag- We are fortunate enough to live in a state that has mountains and plains and other cool geographical features. Now what this means is that we also get weather. And weather means that you can't drive like total douchbag like you can in the summer.

Fig- Rain for instance. Rain sucks to drive in and the puddles are a big hassle, but you can still see the lines on the roads. It's not like that opaque white shit that falls from the sky. And I mean snow, not that other white shit. So don't get any ideas!

Frag- So we also want to give everyone a refresher course on...Street signs! You know, those colorful things that you are supposed to pay attention to!

Fig- So here is our first sign. Now you may have noticed this one commonly placed in the junction of 2 streets. This means that you are supposed to cease any and all forward motion until you are clear to proceed. Not slow down....Stop your freakin' car!!!

 

Frag- This next one is also very  important. This one means you need to stop if there is traffic, but if there is no traffic, then you don't have to stop. These are common when getting onto or off of highways. These will help the confused and aid them in properly merging with oncoming traffic. It's also so you don't run into anybody!

Fig- we would also like to bring a new rule to your attention, well not so much new as understated. The Lug Nut Rule...The Lug Nut Rule states simply, whoever has the most lug nuts on their vehicle will win in a crash. It's really simple...If it's bigger than you, it's gonna fucking win.

 Frag- Our last one for this PSA is this kinda plain black and white bastard up above. This tells you how fast you can go. pay attention and don't be a dick.If you need to be somewhere at a certain time, please leave early. Don't expect heavy traffic to part like the red sea just because you are in a hurry.

Fig-We hope this helps with all the new people who are on our roads this year. We would really like to be able to drive without having to cuss like a fucking sailor ( we do anyway but...)in our cars. We all just want to get from one point to the other, so let me say it louder for the folks in the back...DON'T BE A DICK AND READ THE FREAKING SIGNS!

Happy New Year!

Frag-Since our owner is a slack-ass and slept right through the midnight festivities, we have decided to give you a list of Holiday sins that we saw this last year.

Fig-Can I just take care of one thing first?

Frag-Yeah, sure.

Fig- Thanks *carries sledge hammer*

Frag- Um, what the hell?

Fig-*smashes hammer down on one of those Elf on a Shelf thingies*  Okay, there we go, much better!

Frag- Okay. I will give you that one, those things are creepy as fuck! So let's start there. This trend of trying to scare the crap out of your kids by posing this creepy doll around their room to extort them to be good, needs to go away. If you have to rely on a stuffed toy to 'encourage' your kids to behave for at least one month of the year, then all we have to say is...

Fig-Parenting! Your doin' it wrong!

Frag-Let's move on to the 'trendy toy' sin.

Fig-You all know what I am talking about with this one too.

Frag-This will turn even the most gentle soul into Satan, yes with a capitol 'S', while shopping. These people are so worried or guilty about how they are taking care of their kids, that they will start pistol-whipping other shoppers just so they can placate their own feelings by teaching little Buffy that all that matters this year is plastic.

Fig-Let us not forget the unholy day that is 'Black Friday'. Let us hang our heads and have a moment of silence for those poor souls forced to serve the savage packs of consumers that want nothing more than cheap crap from China.

Frag-Let us look at, then promptly destroy the Christmas Letter tradition. I think that most people see these as a way of keeping family informed of major milestones over the last year. And I know that our readers will understand when I say 'milestone' I mean shit like giving birth, or buying a first home. Not bragging about your damn cat or how many book clubs you joined.

Fig-Maybe some people just need to learn how to write these types of letters...

Frag-Now that the year is over, and these have already happened, we can work toward next year. Our resolution for this year, will be to add meaning to the things that we do. All we have is our time here, and we should live everyday like it's a major holiday. We should be thankful all year, and not just for 30 days. And we should take a close look at ourselves and see if we like what we have become. beyond that, have fun, and may the best of your past, be the worst of your future!

Tech Support

Fig-*snarls* Damnit! If you interrupt me one more time, I am gonna reach through this phone and slap the ever loving shit out of you! *deep breath* No Sir, I am sorry that you managed to delete your internet and all of your cat pictures...

Frag-*Australian Accent* Here we have a rare treat! Today we get to examine the technical support specialist in the wild! Now I want you all to keep your distance as they can be rather wiley, and lunge at highly caffeinated beverages and sugary treats. Please don't feed them!

Fig-Thank you sir have a nice day!

Frag-Now what we have just witnessed is the end of a call, and it seems that the tech is going to retreat for a few moments and take a quick respite.

Fig-Tech Support, How can I help you today?

Frag-Now we get to see the tech at the beginning of the cycle. These cycles tend to last anywhere from 3-30 minutes at a time. Now we don't know at the onset, how long each of these cycles will last, as each one varies widely.

Fig-*shakes head* No Mam', I am not able to tell you the password for your computer, you were the one who had to pick one, and we don't store that information. Besides we have no way of tracking that information as you are not even one of our customers.

Frag- Now what we are seeing is the main reason for stress on the technician. The other leading cause of tech stress is people who just won't listen.

Fig-No sir, you are the one who needs to turn your printer off and back on. I am not at your house, so I cannot do that for you.

Frag-Now the one saving grace for the techie, is their mute button. This allows them to retreat from the onslaught of stupid just long enough for them to not break down into a drooling pile of slimy muck!

Fig-Mame, I am going to need you to take you cat out of your computer tower and take it to the nearest computer repair shop there is nothing I am going to be able to help you with....No, please do not use soap and water to clean out the computer....No, don't put it in the microwave either...

Movie Review...Deep Blue Sea

Fig-Oh crap! Science has done it again!

Frag-Done what exactly?

Fig-Created gigantic, mutant killer sharks!

Frag-Are you talking about what I think you're talking about?

Fig-Only if you think I am talking about a movie with 2 ton Mako sharks that only have one thing on their mind!

Frag- I thought so.

Fig-Don't you see though, we can't let the scientists do things like this anymore! It cannot be allowed! First they started with the dinosaurs, and we all know how that ended up! They trashed a good portion of a major metropolitian area!.

Frag-Do I need to remind you that it wasn't real?

Fig-But in this one we have huge ass sharks that take down a whole underwater lab complex that should have been able to withstand several direct bomb hits! And they eat people, and it's all the scientists fault!

Frag-Uh, you know you are supposed to be doing a movie review right?

Fig- I'm getting to it! But don't you see the error in the thinking here? One person gets it through their skull that some animal who can already make a snack out of humans, needs to be fucked with on a genetic level! I mean really. Do we even need to talk about how things like this are a bad idea? I mean the only one with a head on his shoulders is the Preacher with the foul-mouthed parrot. Damn that bird was funny.

Frag-Stay on target here!

Fig-*deep breath* Okay, so if you havn't gotten the gist of this movie yet, then damn, you don't get out much do you. The basis of the story is that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The lead scientist decided that it would be a good idea to genetically alter sharks to give them bigger brains so that she could cure alzhiemers. Not a bad cause, but come on! Have we not learned from our past mistakes?

Frag-Get on with it!

Fig-Okay, okay! Sheesh! So anyway the sharks cause problems and people get eaten like ribs at a barbeque. They manage to get rid of 2 of the giant fish, then they manage to blow the 3rd one up just as it makes its play for freedom. And who knows what would have happened had our genetically altered bag of teeth make it to open waters and infect others?

Frag-Are you going to do a real review here any time soon?

Fig-But I am doing the review! Reviewer gets to write the blog, peanut gallery shuts their cake hole!

Frag- After you then...

Fig-So never mind the fact that there are now bits of modified shark running around just waiting for other fish to eat...Ah damn, there comes the boat to take everyone home from the long weekend!

Movie Review...Twister

Frag-Right now we are sitting in the middle of Tornado Season here in the west. It comes every year and so do the huge death spirals of air and junk. Now tornados are nothing to take lightly. They are very deadly and cause tons of property damage every year. So we are gonna pick on a movie about twisters instead.

Fig-I can't talk right now Julia, we've got cows!

Frag- The movie starts off with a family in what can only be described as a farm house in the mid-west or tornado alley. A family of 3 takes shelter in a cellar, and the father gets sucked up by the huge spinning tube of  death while trying to protect his family and hold a door shut.

Fig-It's the suck zone...

Frag-Time speed to today (or mid 1990's if you are keeping track). And the weather center is predicting the worst storm season in like forever. Our child from the first scene is all growed up and has taken the predictable career of storm chaser. She has assembled the motley crew that includes a dorky chick (our heroine can't be the only one) A guy with pretty sever OCD when it comes to his maps, some guy they nicknamed 'Preacher' (not quite sure what this one does), a goofy yet lovable nuisance named Dusty (again, not sure what he does) and a couple of others who just appear to be there for window dressing.

Fig-Enter the old/new love interest!

Frag-The hero of the movie drives his nice new truck and his even nicer new fiance out to where our group of chasers has assembled what can only be described as a tin can with flashy things. All in the name of getting the leading lady to sign divorce papers so that they can start the boring life they have dreamed of. Hero and heroine do a bit of bickering, heroine and fiance trade some barbs, then enters the Dread Pirate Roberts (or at least the guy who played him in the other movie). Words and fists are thrown about like so may cream pies, and many accusations about theft of intellectual property.

Fig-What about the twisters! I wanna hear about the action

Frag-Shut your cake hole! I am trying to give the good folks at home a good overview of this film! So lets see, so the twisters start showing up, small at first then getting bigger and bigger until you get one that decides to demolish a small town where the beloved aunt of our heroine lives and destroys her house, but leaves her really, really cool wind sculptures.

Fig- I am sure that there is a parallel here somewhere, I just can't figure it out.

Frag- So here comes the world changing idea, their flashy cans are too light to be of any use, so the less stated cast members are set to the task of cutting their fingers to ribbons to attach tin can bits to their sensors that live in the flashy cans. Oh, yeah the fiance has bailed at this point. Can't take the heat, and this just serves to reinforce that the hero and heroine are meant to be.

Fig-Can we skip the kissing parts?

Frag-Animosity aside, they try to share some information with the Dread Pirate Roberts, he shoots down their advise and ends up getting killed when his souped up Surburban is taken for a ride and smashed into the ground as what can only be described as a very, very angry god. Now we decide that this is the perfect time  to trash a perfectly good truck in some poor farmers field. Then they decide that breaking and entering is the order of they day as they try to take shelter in what looks like Jeffery Dahmers kitchen.

Fig-Are we almost done here? I have more movies to watch!

Frag-So in the end, the hero and heroine end up living through one of the most destructive forces in nature, just to start arguing over who is going to be what since they managed to get the tin can to fly.

3 Jobs that everyone should have

Frag-We here in our twisted little universe like to think that we have a pretty good handle on things. We take care of ourselves, we get let out for walks and we even get fed real food now and again. All of those great things aside, we need to talk about jobs.

Fig-Jobs? Why the hell would we want to talk about that?

Frag-You see, we spend most of our adult lives at work. And when we are not at work, we are thinking about work. But today I want to talk to you about the jobs that everyone should work at least once.

Fig-They have those? I thought you were in the same job until you died!

Frag-It used to be the way that things were done, but not anymore. Most jobs have a fairly high turn over rate. Hell we went through 3 jobs in the last year alone. And those 3 jobs have taught me a lot of things.

Fig-So I guess this is where you tell us exactly what is on your mind right?

Frag-Yes, this is that part. For the first time ever, we had the privilege to work in a call center. And I don't mean for a small company as reception. Oh no, we had to start this out big time. We had to go directly to one of the major shipping companies in the US. I'll give you a hint, they have an eagle for the logo.

Fig-Oh yes, that one. That one was about as fun as being stripped nekkid and left in a blizzard in the middle of Fargo, with a slushy.

Frag-I am not sure it was even that fun. It was non-stop for a good part of our shifts, and the people were so rude that you could strip paint with the vileness that they spewed on a regular basis. They would take out all of their feelings on the poor bastard who ended up being lucky enough to answer the phone. So for our first job, we have customer service!

Fig-Oh, so then what is next? Was it that time that we got blamed for doing someone else's job?

Frag-No, that's a whole other tale for another drunken rant. No next is Retail. The dreaded R word. You haven't really had a crappy job until you have had to clean up a store at Christmas time. You don't know hell until you have had to witness people trample each other and get bent out of shape that the socks they purchased are not exactly the right color of black.

Fig-Wouldn't this be better as a scary story around Halloween?

Frag-Maybe, but I digress, the next job that everyone should have is Food Service. If you have ever worked food service a day in you life, then you know that the only thing worse than serving people food is the knowledge that somewhere people are fishing the leftovers out of a dumpster. People in food service have one of the toughest jobs imaginable. They have to deal with over pick snots who think that they are better than everyone, and then there are those who will try anything for a free meal.

Fig-I love our servers. Everyone should be nice to them, remember, they are the ones who can choose to spit in your food!