Guilt by association...

 I wrote this one 5 years ago about a certain group of friends, as coincidental as it may seem, I put this one up because I haven't had time to write any more new shit, and everything else I have in the archive is holiday themed. So with out further ado, here is this week's dose of fuckery.

Fig-*talking on the phone* "But I can't talk to you anymore! I already told you why! It's because you hang around with that Id personality. We have nothing to say to each other. And I don't care what you try and tell me, that's just the way it is. Bye"

Frag-"Who were you talking to?"

Fig-"Oh that was just Ego wanting to know why I don't hang with them anymore."

Frag-"And your answer was?"

Fig-"I don't like Id. So I don't want to have anything to do with anyone that considers Id a friend."

Frag-"Okay, you better explain this to me. Because I am lost. Why would you not want to hang out with Ego. You guys are friends right?"

Fig-"Well I don't like some of the stuff that Id has done. Id totally blew me off at the last party, and then had the nerve to tell Ego that they didn't like the shirt I was wearing at the time."

Frag-"Well, did you ever ask Id about any of this?"

Fig-"But Ego told me about it all and now I don't want anything to do with Id or anyone they associate with."

Frag-"So if I have this straight, you got your news from the grapevine and didn't bother to take your problems to the person who supposedly started them? You just dropped one of your best friends on their ass because you didn't like what you heard? What planet are you from again?"

Fig-"Yeah, that about sums it up." *grumbles*

Frag-"Hows about this, instead of refusing to see one of your friends again, you have a sit down with Id and get your questions answered. I mean come on now. You're acting like you are in 3rd grade. And just because Ego hangs around with Id, doesn't mean that you can't still hang out with Ego. I mean Ego is old enough to know better than to try this type of thing. Not at all like IC (inner child). I would expect this type of thing from IC, but not from you guys."

Fig-"But what if Id doesn't want to talk to me?"

Frag-"Well, after this that may be the case, but right now you should try to set things right. Because it is possible that Id has no idea what you're feeling right now. And how fair do you think that is to Id. I mean if you pissed me off you'd want to know about it right?"

Fig-"Yeah I guess you're right. I will call Id and see if I can't set up a time for us to have some coffee and figure this thing out."

Frag-"And you really need to quit the whole 'guilty by association' thing. It doesn't work for you at all."

A Small rant...

Frag-"I have snapped. I wanna know What the FUCK!!! WTF is up with the stupid people trying to drive the cars? WTF is up with stupid tax forms that no one can translate into english!! WTF!!! Fuck! And why does the IRS have Spanish language tax forms on thier website??? Last time I checked, we were in America and our F&*(^#$ language was ENGLISH!!! Yes English MOFO!!! Do you Speak it??? And WTF is up with people that have to tell you thier life story when you meet them??? I don't wanna know! I don't give a shit! Why oh why can't people cross the street properly? It's not that hard! Cross walks are there for a reason! They are there so your dumb ass won't get hit! What the hell is up with the price of a peice of beef? It's gotten to the point where I have to sell something to get a decent steak anymore! WTF! People, if you wanna loose weight, DON'T EAT! Cramming your self with beef is just a easier way towards kidney stones! Fuck! I wanna see people use courtesy when they enter a business. This means NO CELL PHONE conversations when the clerk is trying to help you out! Leave the phone in your goddamn pocket. It's not like you can't tell who called you. And if it really is that important, you can call the fuckers back when you have left the business! Or at least step outside to take the damn call! FUCK!"

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The sum of my stuff...

Frag-Today we will be talking about stuff. You know the kind that some people go out and purchase because they think that it will make their lives better.

Fig-Oh like a car or a stove?

Frag-Nope the over-priced things that people have convinced themselves that they can't live without.

Fig-*hides the over-priced MP3/dvd/gameboy/phone/camera* Yeah...Okay.

Frag-Take the thing out of your pocket Fig, your going to have to do a lot better than that. Where did you get that anyway?

Fig-I convinced Ego to but it for me. I told Ego that it was just what we needed to make people like me.

Frag-Are you nuts? Having a lot of over-priced 'fad' items does not make you a better person, it just makes you a person with a lot of stuff. A person is not and should not be defined by what they own. But it is a sad fact of society today that makes people think that they have to have the best of whatever it is they decide they need in order to be a complete person. In short-You are not the sum of your khakis.

Fig-*stares at khakis* But, but I haven't taken these off in like 6 months. They are the most expensive, best khakis I could find.

Frag-That's just wrong.*moves quickly across the room* You mean to tell me that you are so attached to your pants that you haven't taken them off even to shower?

Fig-But they are a part of me now. Just like the rest of my stuff. It's like my stuff is me man.

Frag-Dude, loose the khakis, put on some clean pants and find people that like you for you. Not your stuff.

Fig-*stares longingly at dvd collection* But if I am not my stuff, who am I?

Frag-You are just you. If all of your stuff was lost tomorrow, you would still be just you, but with a lot less stuff.

Fig-Man, that's deep. *runs off to contemplate what to do with latest purchase

Road Rage!

Fig-"Hey A&^hole! Did you just see that! That guy just crossed 4 lanes of traffic to make a right turn onto a one way(the wrong direction)street!"

Frag-"It's strange, it seems that for the last few months, people have forgotten how to drive, and the basic courtesy rules, like every other car when you are in a merge zone."

Fig-*shouting out of the window* "Hey Butt head! Use your turn signal next time!"

Frag-"But you fail to note that when one does not use their turn signal, the bulbs last longer."

Fig-*stares* "Almost every driver is on a cell phone!"

Frag-"Or using their GPS unit. People used to pay more attention to where they were going when they drove. They knew where they were going, and what lane they needed to be in to make their turn. People also used to know how to read street maps and with the exception of a few unknown construction zones, everything went well. Now everyone has to be at their destination first, faster than anybody else. Following the speed limit has become a thing of the past."

Fig-*Leans out of the window to flip off the driver next to them who is drinking coffee, e-mailing the office, talking on a cell phone and putting on makeup*
"What were you saying?"

Frag-"If you don't pay more attention to where your going, your going to miss our turn."

Fig-*Honks Horn*

Frag-"Man I think that you could benefit from an anger management course. Road rage ain't cool."

Fig-"Nope I'll agree there, but a tank would be so much cooler. Rush Hour would be a thing of the past."

Frag-"What are you talking about?"

Fig-" If I had a tank to drive to work, people would stay out of my way! Not to mention our insurance claims for body damage would drop off dramatically!"

Multi-culturalism in the US

Frag-"Ya know, I love the USA, but sometimes I wonder if we truly are as multicultural as we think. Our country is supposed to be a melting pot, but when it comes down to it, we are just a mass of separate communities, some who don't even bother to learn the language."

Fig-"Yeah. I get tired of having to learn a second language to order my damn BigMac."

Frag-"If only it were as simple as that. There are a lot of people who feel that everyone else should cater to them. That they can re-make our great country into the one that they left behind. So I propose that someone somewhere comes up with incentives to help these people at least learn the language."

Fig-"But then what would we have to rant about?"

Frag-"There are lots of things to rant about. *looks through rant schedule* But today we are talking about our great country."

Fig-"Alright, well I suggest that on our quest to become more multicultural, everyone should learn how to eat a burrito with chopsticks!"

Frag-"That's not quite what I had in mind, but I guess it is a good place to start