Honor thy....Um, Can't think of it...

So I have been thinking. I know, I know, that means that somewhere a smoke detector is going off. But things have been strange lately. I hear what people are saying, but I am not convinced that they believe half of what they are spouting. There are very few who speak with any type of passion or any true sincerity. It seems that they are just paying lip service to those they think want to hear it.

I hear talk of Honor and Respect, but actions will always speak louder than words. How can one expect others to follow what they say when they can't keep their own life straight. I know I have issues with my life right now, but I am also not telling anyone else that I am a great example. Hell, I am the last person anyone should want to emulate right now. I have too much crap to get rid of, and too many hobbies, and nowhere near enough time for yard work. But when I say I am going to do something, I make sure I get it done. I don't blow people off, and I don't like it when people blow me off.

We have come to live in the land of half-hearted promises, where people use words to get reactions, yet don't prove that they know what they actually mean. It's kinda like giving a 5 year old the remote to the TV. They know it works, they just don't know how or why. I think that words are that way with a lot of people. People understand what words mean, and what the basic definition is, but not how those words relate to life. They fail to notice the damage that words can do, and at the same time they use those words without abandon. They will use words that they know you hold dear and cherish, in order to make you feel like shit because you did something that they didn't agree with.

Words have power. But they also loose their power as they are used without regard, without context, and without heart.

Early Veterans Day....

I know, Veterans Day isn't until tomorrow. Well, I say, suck it. I'm gonna do it today. Veterans Day is one of the most underrated federal holidays that we have. Sure we have a few parades, but most people just see it as an excuse to have a day off of work. Not me. My Grandfather was in World War 2, my Father served during Vietnam, I have several friends who have given the government that blank check. And I seriously value what the military has done for me. Every freakin' day.

I value those who put their life on the line so that I can sleep at night. I applaud those who leave home and family behind to protect our country and way of life. I appreciate the fact that these people have given everything upto and including their life. I only wish that more people can see our veterans the way I do. I wish that parents would teach their kids that serving in the military is honorable.

So even though I am a day early, I would like to say Thank You to all of our Vets, and all of our current and prospective military. Know that there are those of us out here who do really appreciate and value your service.

The loss of a very dear friend...

Today I would like to take a moment to mourn a close and dear friend. We shall all mourn their passing, and with each day we shall remember those lessons that our friend tried so hard to teach us. Our friend was a great friend and now we have to pay attention to those things that we take for granted every single day. Such fine wisdom as...



It is with great sadness and weight in my heart that I must lay to final rest, our beloved, Common Sense.

Common Sense was always there when we were about to make the biggest mistakes of our lives. Common Sense saved us more than once from speeding tickets and disfiguring mutilation. It was that voice in the back of our head that yelled when we were about to get our ass kicked. It warned of scalding hot pan handles, thin ice, and sleeping with our best friends significant other. Common Sense was a great, yet soft spoken advocate for not messing with spinning lawnmower blades, or lighting beehives on fire.

Toward the end of their life, Common Sense chose to take on the name Good Sense. At this point it was realized, that Common Sense was not so common anymore. One of the threads that held us together as people, had slowly started to unravel. The final breath across the teeth of Good Sense was when some had totally abandoned everything they were taught as they proceeded to cross the street without looking, when they chose to eat the green meat, and when they figured out that plastic bags make great 'baby occupiers". But we should not dwell on the past, we should focus on the fact that Good Sense is survived by Personal Responsibly, Courtesy, Respect and Truthfulness. Although to be told, most of the surviving relatives are currently in the hospital on life support.

The 'New' Urban Dictionary

Frag-Today we are going to look at some of the odd ball bits of language that have been popping up lately. You know what I mean, LOL and netspeak, those strange and yet undefinable measurements such as butt-ton, and finally the total degradation of our language due to cats.

Fig-I can has a vowel??

Frag-So we will start with the most basic netspeak that I can remember right now..
1. LOL-Laugh out Loud, or I can't think of anything else to say.
2.ROTFLMAO-Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off...I really think what you said was that funny, or I am trying to show off my mad typing skills...
3.FTW-For the Win- This is used when something is really really cool, or when people think they are cool.
4. FML-Fu*k My Life--Usually used when the fit hits the shan, more often than not when people want attention. Also great for kids to drop the F bomb with out getting busted by adults!

Fig-Okay, so that's what all of those mean! I thought they were just random bits of text caused by cats. I mean you said we were gonna talk about cats!

Frag- We'll get to the cats in a bit. Now, have you ever wondered exactly how much a metric butt-ton is? I think we have the volume finally figured out. Now if you'll follow me here...we have 1 metric butt-ton, which is equivalent to approx 2.2 ass-tons US. one ass-ton is equal to about 5 ginormus bins, each bin is equal to about 6 OMG full bags of stuff...or you can cut out all of the conversions, and just figure that it roughly is the amount of crap that comes out of a teenagers backpack at the end of the school year.

Fig-I always wondered if there was a term for the stuff that manages to accumulate in a locker, or would that be similar to the backpack crap?

Frag-I think they are about the same. Somehow backpacks and lockers manage to warp space and time in order to be able to hold all of that stuff.

Fig-Can we talk about cats now?

Frag-Okay, fine. There seems to be a disturbing lack of proper spelling and vowel usage circulating the 'net right now. I blame the cats. Sure the pictures are cute and all, but the fact that these adorable fur balls have managed to convince us to use fragmented sentences, and horrific spelling is something that we should all be ashamed of. They have gotten us to turn a blind eye to the glaring, and often hard to understand LOL-speak.

Fig-LOL-speak?

Frag-Yes, LOL-speak. It is more insidious then we could ever imagine. Every day, with every LOL...it sneaks into our grammar and proceeds to bite and twist and destroy the drapes...It digs it's claws into the soft flesh that is proper verb usage, and leaves slimy little gifts in our nouns...We must all be on our guard...

Fig-It's sounds horrible! I mean all those cute little kittens! Won't somebody think of the kittens????

Frag-Oh, don't let their cute little faces and those adorable little ears fool you...There is a cat lobby that is right now, at this very moment plotting, and scheming to deliver the final coup de gras...reverting our spelling to fonics...It is a very dark time indeed.

Black Friday Shopping...

Hell, I figure that all of the retail giants are already talking about Black Friday, so I will give you guys a bit of a leg up.

Frag-"Well, we are back at one of the most hectic and stressful times of the year. So this year we are happy to present you with some helpful tips to allow you to get the most out of this wonderful season."

Fig-"Oh yes...leftover turkey sandwiches!" *does the snoopy dance*

Frag-"Today's subject is how to successfully shop on Black Friday. For all of you who get the Friday off after thanksgiving, it is the biggest shopping day of the year. It has become one of the biggest, most terrifying days in a retail clerks life. They get to deal with angry customers, dumb questions and short breaks."

Fig-"So are we shopping on black Friday?" Because I have the shoulder pads and the shin guards all lined up. I even touched up the paint!"

Frag-"You can go shopping if you want to, but I will be among one of the several over worked register monkeys on Friday. So here are 10 tips to help the poor retail worker while you are out indulging in low prices and long lines."

Frag-"Tip 1: If you know that all of the big box stores are going to be filled to capacity with people hung over on cranberry sauce and stuffing, go to the smaller local stores and get your small special stuff first!"

Fig-"Tip 2: If you feel the need to go to a huge store for that shirt that is going to be uber cheap, you can't go wrong with simple body checks to get to the rack."

Frag-"Tip 3: Park as far away from the front of the store as possible. This will give you a head start as people circle the lot in their SUV's looking for a place to park."

Fig-"Tip 4: Make a list of who you need to buy gifts for ahead of time and if you are on a budget, give each person a dollar amount."

Frag-"Tip 5: Make sure you have your credit card out when you get to the register. Clerks really like it when people are ready to go. This allows them to help the maximum amount of people per hour."

Fig-"Tip 6: Do not, I repeat DO NOT talk on your cell phone while a clerk is trying to help you. I don't care if you forgot Uncle Eddys favorite brand of underwear, this is just plain rude."

Frag-"Tip 7: If you add a simple pair of steel toed boots to your shopping wardrobe, you can avoid the pain of having a 4 inch stiletto heel jammed into your foot!"

Fig-"Tip 8: Remember, old people move slower. If you can maintain a brisk pace, you can beat them to the register!"

Frag-" Tip 9: With all of the kids running loose in the stores, remember to shuffle your feet. That will help to push them out of the way and allow you to gain access to the toy sections."

Fig-" Tip 10: Please be nice to the clerks. Most of them are doing this so they can survive. They don't need some soccer mom yelling at them because they don't have neon purple mary janes in Suzy's size."

Frag-"And please dear people, be nice to each other!"

Tips for winter holidays

So here is another relic from the attic....Maybe this will help some people, maybe not. And with the Hannakwanzayulemass season swiftly sneaking up on us like a hungry bear, I can recycle more of the old crap I have laying around...

Frag-"Okay, with that wonderful time of year approaching, we will be taking a break from our usual format to bring you something more...Um...Entertaining. The FIG & FRAG Guide to Graceful Gift Receiving!"

Fig-"Why?"

Frag-"Beacuse there are tons of guides out there on how to find the right gift, yet not very many(if any at all) on receiving gifts. So here are a few pointers to help people with receiving all of the gifts that they may get this season."

Fig-*unwraps a package* "Hey Where did you get this? How much was it?"

Frag-"Here *points to Fig* We have the first examples of what not to say when you are given a gift. Now we realize that not everyone asks those annoying questions when they receive something, but there are those few that do. Rule No. 1-Don't ask where something came from unless it is really cool and you want to get more!!! It makes the person that gave you the gift start to second guess their purchase. Remember, they thought enough about you to get you something. They should not feel bad because they went through the effort to pick it out.
Rule No. 2 Never ask how much something cost!!!! Once again it is about the thought and never the price. Keep in mind that people may not have much money, and they may have tons of people they wish to get things for."

Fig-"Okay I kinda see the point, but what if they got you something really expensive that you will never use?"

Frag-"Just smile, thank them for the gift, and remember that you don't have to use it unless they come over for the holidays and expect to see thier gift in use." *Points to creepy snowman candles*

Fig-"But I gave you those last year!"

Frag-"Exactly, I knew that you would like to see them out, so despite the creepiness factor, I put them out this time of year because you gave them to me."

Fig-"But what about the goofy stuff that people seem to give you every year? I mean you can only have so many bath sets before your set for life?"

Frag-In those cases, as long as you plan correctly, you can re-gift a certain amount of those bath sets and candy dishes. Which brings us to No. 3 Never re-gift a gift to someone who hangs out in the same circles on a regular basis. I would never give a gift a friend gave me to another friend if they saw each other on a regular basis. I might pass it on to a relative who never sees my friends, but not to someone who hangs out with the gift giver."

Fig-"What do you do when there are several people there and you have tons of stuff to look over?"

Frag-"Try to spend the same amount of time looking over each gift that way no one feels slighted. This shows people that no matter what you got from whoever, you care about the thought that they put into the gift."

Fig-"How do I know if I am leaving anyone out when it comes to thank you's?"

Frag-"If possible, and people are there, make sure that you say 'thank you' to everyone there. And with some people hugs are called for. If you can't thank everyone in person, it helps to write down the names of who gave you what and send 'thank you' notes or cards."

Fig-"What about people that question the gift? I mean not how it works, but say you give someone a signed peice of art, that is made by a native american, and the artist does not have a 'traditional' sounding name?"

Frag-"You calmly explain that many people with native american roots, don't necessarily have 'traditional' names. This does not discount the gift itself. People who ask that type of question, tend to look at things, and not the fact that someone made the effort to pick out a gift that they thought they would like. It is better for people receiving the gift, to keep their mouths shut and just say 'thanks'."

Fig-"Well, I hope that this will help some people with gift receiving this year, and in the future as well."

Frag-"Just remeber even if you hate the gift, you can still make the person giving it feel good."

The post Halloween Sugar Coma....

I freakin' love Halloween. It has to be one of my favorite time of the year. The weather has cooled off, the leaves are turning, and all the graveyards have extra security. Unfortunately the last few years since I have moved into my house, this, my most venerated holiday, has become a gigantic pain in the ass. Now I know what you might be thinking, it's not the decorations, it's not the bags of candy, nor the pumpkin guts. It's the people in my neighborhood.

The first year I lived in my house, I dressed up and stood on my porch handing out candy. I had parents with new-born babies telling me that the candy was for the baby. Now normally you will get one or 2 of these a night. Not in my neighborhood. They seem to out number the kids in costumes at least 2 to 1. Okay, I can still deal, but at least put forth some kind of effort! All I ask is you make an attempt at a costume. Hell, just put on a wig or do your hair. Next we have the teenagers who wear street clothes. Really, I mean come on! This is the one time of the year when you can do crazy shit and no one can say otherwise. But even on Halloween, I still don't want to see your underwear. But the initial event that made me start to cringe when the leaves started turning was this, a group of kids about 8 come to my door, not so unusual, but it was 11:00pm. Yep, way the fuck after regulation trick or treat hours.

The next year went pretty much the same, only now there was a fresh group of parents with babies, the teens are still showing off their terrible taste in underwear, and candy wrappers all over my yard. And still the determined kids trying to squeeze every drop of free processed sugar out of our neighborhood. It was after the second year when I decided to take my son to my parents house to do his legalized extortion. We had a blast and rolled home about 9:00pm and before we could even get our coats off, there was a gaggle of kids at my door. Now I don't know about the rest of you, but I was trained at an early age that you didn't go to houses when the porch light was off, something about being grabbed by the creep in the dark, but that doesn't stop anyone in my 'hood. Hell, if you bathroom light is on and they can see it from the alley, you are fair game.

Last year was my last straw with my favorite holiday. I had a small pumpkin patch in my front yard. I spent all summer babying and coddling my one pumpkin that decided it wanted a chance at life, only to have it ripped from the vine weeks before it was ready to be carved. I actually cried. I was broken, and had lost my faith in my fellow humans. This, combined with past history has made this day a reason for me to be anywhere but home. And it breaks my heart. I don't like not giving out candy on Halloween, but until I can find something else, I may just have to make other plans.

I think next year I will give out Japanese snack crackers...you know the kind wrapped in dried seaweed...if you can't be bothered to be respectful to others, then can you really be bothered to read a label in a different language?