Frag-Today I want to talk about something that is near and dear to my heart. As many of you may know, the lady who owns us, tends to make a lot of crap. Mainly jewelry and other little bits of portable art work. And lately I have noticed that she is getting crankier about her stuffs. Not about making her stuffs, no, about selling her stuffs. She likes it when people decide to buy a bit of her art, and it really makes her happy when someone loves a piece of her art.
Fig-Okay, I fail to see what the problem is. I mean if it makes her happy then all is good right? She'll still let us out to play, right?
Frag-She will let us out to play no matter what, but we get to have the most fun when she is happy. So that brings me back to the original topic. Our fellow resident/owner likes to do craft fairs and shows and what not. So last year she booked us solid. One event after another, we barely had time to breath.
Fig-Oh yeah, I remember those! All the unpacking and repacking, all the organizing and stuff. It was a pain in the ass! I always got stuck untangling chains or working the lint roller.
Frag-I was in charge of trying to make everything fit in a space that was way too small, or maybe she just has too much shit. Anyway, for the most part these events were fun, but there was one common problem with all of them.
Fig-Yeah, not many people bought anything. They all had a great time looking, but alas, their wallets stayed firmly attached to their asses, or buried in purses.
Frag-There was that too, no I am talking about a more annoying problem. And I think that anyone else who makes stuff to try and sell has run into the same problem. And the bitch of the matter is, is that there is really no way to combat, or even fix the problem.
Fig-Okay, now you have me really confused. What the hell are you talking about? Wind? Rain? The forgotten bit of rope?
Frag-Nope. I wish I could say that this problem was in the realm of mother nature, or even in our lady's frazzled mind. No, sadly this has to do with other people. And all of you who have ever done a show has run into these people there. They are the "Hey, great idea! I can do that too!" people.
Fig-Oh, those ones.
Frag-Yep. These are the ones that manage to suck the fun out of the whole thing, and make me want to jump across the table and kick the crap out of them.
Fig-I hear ya. Those ones bite. Big time.
Frag-Now we realize that any time you make something and post pictures on the Internet, then you have to expect people to steal your designs or your artwork. But it is more frustrating to have these people tell you to your face that while your stuff is awesome and all, that they can do it too.
Fig-It would be different if they actually bought something...
Frag-It would be, I will give you that. And I know it really bugs her. To the point of wanting to give up sometimes. But she just keeps going, hopeful that those that really appreciate her stuff will continue to buy a piece here and there. So she keeps coming up with new ideas, and new projects, some of which can use what she already has, but somethings require a bit more stuff.
Fig-I think I see the problem. I am just not sure how to go about fixing it. Maybe a sign? Maybe something just totally different, or maybe people should just quite being asses.
Frag- I would like it if the last option were possible, but I don't think so. People are people and some have less social grace than others. So given the fact that people are people, and won't ever change, we will leave you with these parting words today.
Fig-We know that you are talented, we know that you can do everything we can do, and yes we even know that we have great ideas. But for the love of all that is unholy...Keep your mouth shut in front of the people who sell their handmade stuff at shows! For all of our fellow crafters out there, keep it up, and don't mind those who tell you they can do it too.
Frag-Because more often than not, those who say they can do it, won't.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
A wholly terrifying experience..
I am going to tell you about one of the most freaky, terrifying experiences that I have ever had. Now what I am about to share is not fiction. It is not for the faint of heart, nor is it for anyone who has heart problems, pregnant, or seizure disorders. It has haunted me like my own personal ghost. It travels with me where ever I go. It follows like my shadow, always attached and yet it vanishes when I look for it. Yet it is one of those life experiences that everyone should avoid if they can. But most of us can't.
I think that most people have shared this problem, and I also think that most people don't even realize that they have this issue. This affects everyone from the 99% all the way up the food chain to the 1%. From kids in school to those in the workforce. So many have seen this, yet so many remain in the dark. I get the shivers even now, thinking about it. I get goose bumps, and the hair on the back of my neck starts to stand up, the way it does before a thunder storm.
You see when I had one of these terrifying experiences, I was in school. It was at the taxpayer funded daycare. I came to a realization. I had figured out that most of what people say is complete and utter bullshit. And it scared me. I wanted to believe in people. I wanted to be able to trust their words. I wanted them to tell me the truth. And I wanted just the facts. And then it happened. I noticed that if I asked the same question to 5 different people, I got 5 different answers. I couldn't understand why people would tell me different things, why they just couldn't give me the facts. Until I started looking deeper at people. It was then I realized that people really had no regard for anyone other than their family groups.
And at that time, I knew fear. I was frightened to think that I couldn't trust the average person on the street to tell me the truth. And then I started paying attention to politics. I listened as they said nothing. Just little bits that sounded good to keep the masses entertained. There is a reason that they take 5 minutes to answer a damn question. It is to throw you off guard and forget what the heart of the matter is. The people who are driving the bus can't seem to answer a simple question with a simple answer. If you ask one of them what they had for breakfast, it would turn into a diatribe on what they ate as kids.
It was then that I got scared.
I think that most people have shared this problem, and I also think that most people don't even realize that they have this issue. This affects everyone from the 99% all the way up the food chain to the 1%. From kids in school to those in the workforce. So many have seen this, yet so many remain in the dark. I get the shivers even now, thinking about it. I get goose bumps, and the hair on the back of my neck starts to stand up, the way it does before a thunder storm.
You see when I had one of these terrifying experiences, I was in school. It was at the taxpayer funded daycare. I came to a realization. I had figured out that most of what people say is complete and utter bullshit. And it scared me. I wanted to believe in people. I wanted to be able to trust their words. I wanted them to tell me the truth. And I wanted just the facts. And then it happened. I noticed that if I asked the same question to 5 different people, I got 5 different answers. I couldn't understand why people would tell me different things, why they just couldn't give me the facts. Until I started looking deeper at people. It was then I realized that people really had no regard for anyone other than their family groups.
And at that time, I knew fear. I was frightened to think that I couldn't trust the average person on the street to tell me the truth. And then I started paying attention to politics. I listened as they said nothing. Just little bits that sounded good to keep the masses entertained. There is a reason that they take 5 minutes to answer a damn question. It is to throw you off guard and forget what the heart of the matter is. The people who are driving the bus can't seem to answer a simple question with a simple answer. If you ask one of them what they had for breakfast, it would turn into a diatribe on what they ate as kids.
It was then that I got scared.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Black Friday...Do you really need cheap stuff?
Look around you. Take a good long look, how much stuff do you have? How much room for more stuff do you have? Now I would like you to sit and think for a minute. How much stuff do you really need? As I have gained years, I have noticed that I have way to much stuff. I am entering a stage of de-shitification. I am trying to thin out the amount of stuff that I have. So when this time of year rolls around, then I begin to wonder if maybe I don't need more stuff. I mean all I am told by various media outlets is exactly what I need to buy this time of year. According to the few commercials I actually get to see when I watch the news, I need a new truck, but I am screwed if I didn't get a new Buick for Christmas. And apparently I also need new Internet service, and cooking implements that are strangely only available, or have any real use this time of year.
So last week, I heard that there was a lady camped outside of Best Buy. By today, she'll have spent 9 days waiting for her shot at buying more stuff. Today I was watching the news and someone got happy with the pepper spray in a Walmart, and there was a shooting outside of another one. Now don't get me wrong, I like to shop. I like to buy things. I like to buy things all year. But it seems as though we are being conditioned, like a Pavlovian pooch, that we must all venture out today to shop, to get things that we can buy any other time of the year.
As an interesting fact, were you aware that "Black Friday" only really came on the scene in the1980's? Normally the term "Black-Anything" is meant to portray a dark time in history. Like when the freakin' stock market crashed. I don't buy the whole "It's when all of the businesses make money for the first time during the year" pile. Why? Because it is a piss poor business plan to operate at a loss for all but 1 month out of the year. Small business can attest to this. If they operate at a loss and have no money coming in, then they close down the business. I can also tell you that there in no way that all of the huge chains run like that.
I have also decided that there in no way in Hell that I am dragging my butt out of my warm bed and turkey coma in order to freeze said butt off just for a few bucks off of some stuff that I normally wouldn't buy. Now for the last few years, I have been giving out small hand-made gifts to my friends and family. I do this in part because I love making things with my hands that I can give to someone else and they can love it just as much, if not more. It seems to me that those are more treasured by people than the sweater they had to beat someone up for. Now maybe I am just jaded, but I value my sanity way more than cheap stuff.
I have nothing against people who want to shop today. I will venture out here in a few hours and go to one store to get some art supplies for my fiberglass cat that I am painting. Then I am coming home and cleaning. But I want you all to think of all of the retail employees who had to work late last night or early today. Cut them some slack, they are there because they have to be if they want to keep their job.
So last week, I heard that there was a lady camped outside of Best Buy. By today, she'll have spent 9 days waiting for her shot at buying more stuff. Today I was watching the news and someone got happy with the pepper spray in a Walmart, and there was a shooting outside of another one. Now don't get me wrong, I like to shop. I like to buy things. I like to buy things all year. But it seems as though we are being conditioned, like a Pavlovian pooch, that we must all venture out today to shop, to get things that we can buy any other time of the year.
As an interesting fact, were you aware that "Black Friday" only really came on the scene in the1980's? Normally the term "Black-Anything" is meant to portray a dark time in history. Like when the freakin' stock market crashed. I don't buy the whole "It's when all of the businesses make money for the first time during the year" pile. Why? Because it is a piss poor business plan to operate at a loss for all but 1 month out of the year. Small business can attest to this. If they operate at a loss and have no money coming in, then they close down the business. I can also tell you that there in no way that all of the huge chains run like that.
I have also decided that there in no way in Hell that I am dragging my butt out of my warm bed and turkey coma in order to freeze said butt off just for a few bucks off of some stuff that I normally wouldn't buy. Now for the last few years, I have been giving out small hand-made gifts to my friends and family. I do this in part because I love making things with my hands that I can give to someone else and they can love it just as much, if not more. It seems to me that those are more treasured by people than the sweater they had to beat someone up for. Now maybe I am just jaded, but I value my sanity way more than cheap stuff.
I have nothing against people who want to shop today. I will venture out here in a few hours and go to one store to get some art supplies for my fiberglass cat that I am painting. Then I am coming home and cleaning. But I want you all to think of all of the retail employees who had to work late last night or early today. Cut them some slack, they are there because they have to be if they want to keep their job.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tis the season...
Frag-Of obnoxious commercials!! We have decided, we are going to start a new, uh, tradition? Yeah, I think that's right...We are going to be looking at the best and the worst commercials! So I was watching the news this morning and I saw no less than 30 commercials about holiday shopping and Black Friday.
Fig-I liked the one with the, uh, um, I think it had a guy with a beard? Or maybe it was a deer? Oh boy I can't remember!
Frag-So I would like to start with one of the worst holiday commercials I think I have seen. It belongs to Kohls. The scene opens on a young lady who has been waiting outside of the store for who knows how long, and then she precedes to happily sing her way into the store, pushing past an elderly lady, and swiping something out of someone else's cart. All the while singing to a point of distraction, so hopefully you won't notice her being a complete and total bitch to everyone else who braved the psycho masses just to save a few bucks.
Fig-Yeah, Last time I tried to take something out of someones cart, security got called and there were rubber gloves involoved...*shivers*
Frag-Next on the list is the Colorado gives commercials. I like what they are trying to do, but I think there is a better way then encouraging illegal dumping and parking like an idiot. Like one day, and maybe $10 will make up for a year of being a total douche. If people really wanted to be decent, they would do it year 'round.
Fig-I like the talking M & M's! I love it when Santa faints!
Frag-Moving on...I am also trying to figure out who it was that decided that every frickin commercial had to be musical? I am getting kinda tired of 20 something hipsters prancing through malls trying to persuade you to spend your hard earned dollars somewhere else. It's your money, you should be able to spend it where ever the hell you please.
Fig- But don't you like the Small Business Saturday Commercials?
Frag- I do like those, but then again I am biased, working for and with small businesses, anything that helps our country's small businesses is worth it. I like the fact that now all of the smaller businesses have a voice in the overwhelming cacophony that is the Holiday Advertising Season.
Fig-So what's the deal with Santa? I mean most rational, sane adults don't believe that he exists, so why is he one of the most over used advertising icons? And why is it okay to pretend to be a better person one month out of the whole year?
Frag-Those are very valid questions! First I think that the old guy with the beard is over used simply because he is recognizable. We have been battered with images of the fat guy with the bushy beard ever since we were old enough to notice that he tended to show up once a year and leave us crap. It is a mechanism that adults can use to get kids to behave at least once a year. It removes a large chunk of parental responsability. It's not the parents who are going to screw you over if you are bad, it is the fat guy who knows exactly what you did in the second grade...
Fig-So what you're saying is that the whole 'be good for christmas' thingy is just so kids will behave? What happens when the kids grow up?
Frag-They write crappy commercials...
Fig-I liked the one with the, uh, um, I think it had a guy with a beard? Or maybe it was a deer? Oh boy I can't remember!
Frag-So I would like to start with one of the worst holiday commercials I think I have seen. It belongs to Kohls. The scene opens on a young lady who has been waiting outside of the store for who knows how long, and then she precedes to happily sing her way into the store, pushing past an elderly lady, and swiping something out of someone else's cart. All the while singing to a point of distraction, so hopefully you won't notice her being a complete and total bitch to everyone else who braved the psycho masses just to save a few bucks.
Fig-Yeah, Last time I tried to take something out of someones cart, security got called and there were rubber gloves involoved...*shivers*
Frag-Next on the list is the Colorado gives commercials. I like what they are trying to do, but I think there is a better way then encouraging illegal dumping and parking like an idiot. Like one day, and maybe $10 will make up for a year of being a total douche. If people really wanted to be decent, they would do it year 'round.
Fig-I like the talking M & M's! I love it when Santa faints!
Frag-Moving on...I am also trying to figure out who it was that decided that every frickin commercial had to be musical? I am getting kinda tired of 20 something hipsters prancing through malls trying to persuade you to spend your hard earned dollars somewhere else. It's your money, you should be able to spend it where ever the hell you please.
Fig- But don't you like the Small Business Saturday Commercials?
Frag- I do like those, but then again I am biased, working for and with small businesses, anything that helps our country's small businesses is worth it. I like the fact that now all of the smaller businesses have a voice in the overwhelming cacophony that is the Holiday Advertising Season.
Fig-So what's the deal with Santa? I mean most rational, sane adults don't believe that he exists, so why is he one of the most over used advertising icons? And why is it okay to pretend to be a better person one month out of the whole year?
Frag-Those are very valid questions! First I think that the old guy with the beard is over used simply because he is recognizable. We have been battered with images of the fat guy with the bushy beard ever since we were old enough to notice that he tended to show up once a year and leave us crap. It is a mechanism that adults can use to get kids to behave at least once a year. It removes a large chunk of parental responsability. It's not the parents who are going to screw you over if you are bad, it is the fat guy who knows exactly what you did in the second grade...
Fig-So what you're saying is that the whole 'be good for christmas' thingy is just so kids will behave? What happens when the kids grow up?
Frag-They write crappy commercials...
Monday, November 21, 2011
Ganks Thiving....
Fig-"As everyone sits down to the table this week to consume large amounts of sedative-laced fowl, Frag and I would like to wish everyone a Happy Turkey Day!"
Frag-"Hey quit hogging the cranberry sauce! That being said, I would just like to remind everyone that just because most people get the day off of work, and get to stuff themselves to the point of bursting, everyone should be thankful all year 'round for all the things in their life both good and bad."
Fig-"Great there's no stopping now!"
Frag-"Hey don't you start! Please pass the stuffing. As I was saying...There should not only be one day a year when people think about being thankful. It should be something that people carry all year. A lot of people don't take the time to slow down and smell the roses. I know I didn't until earlier this year. It took a sad event to make me stop and pay attention to what I have in life, the ups and downs, the late night phone calls, the company of good friends, and the quirks of family."
Fig-*hangs up cell phone* "Ya know your right. I have never thought of it that way before. I will make a Turkey Day resolution! I will not answer every single call just because the phone rings! I will not stress myself out about being a minute late and I will try my best to look at everything and be thankful for the lessons, both good and bad that crop up in my life!"
Frag-"Pass the bird, man! Hey sounds good. Let's Eat!!!"
Fig & Frag-"Happy Thanksgiving, Turkey Day, or whatever you want to call it!"
Frag-"Hey quit hogging the cranberry sauce! That being said, I would just like to remind everyone that just because most people get the day off of work, and get to stuff themselves to the point of bursting, everyone should be thankful all year 'round for all the things in their life both good and bad."
Fig-"Great there's no stopping now!"
Frag-"Hey don't you start! Please pass the stuffing. As I was saying...There should not only be one day a year when people think about being thankful. It should be something that people carry all year. A lot of people don't take the time to slow down and smell the roses. I know I didn't until earlier this year. It took a sad event to make me stop and pay attention to what I have in life, the ups and downs, the late night phone calls, the company of good friends, and the quirks of family."
Fig-*hangs up cell phone* "Ya know your right. I have never thought of it that way before. I will make a Turkey Day resolution! I will not answer every single call just because the phone rings! I will not stress myself out about being a minute late and I will try my best to look at everything and be thankful for the lessons, both good and bad that crop up in my life!"
Frag-"Pass the bird, man! Hey sounds good. Let's Eat!!!"
Fig & Frag-"Happy Thanksgiving, Turkey Day, or whatever you want to call it!"
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Today sucks...
Okay, today was shitty. I don't know what it was about this particular today, I have had plenty of todays that were not nearly as craptastic. I think that this today planned it's attack months ago. I can see it just sitting there, plotting and planning, thinking...'How can I be the worst today possible? How many little problems can I come up with just to mess with you?' Damn, I knew this would happen. I had a feeling that it was lurking in the shadows just waiting to attack.
So I have decided...I am not going to let today be anymore of an ass. I am done. Today can kiss my big fat toe. Today can take the plan and shove it. Once today is gone, it is gone for good. There will be no more today until tomorrow. Then I can deal with the bully that is tomorrow. Tomorrow tends to stick to the shadows, just out of reach. Kinda like the boogey man. You know it's in your closet, or under the bed, but you can never seem to catch the slimy little fucker. The only thing worse is when yesterday joins the fray. That gritty, pours through your fingers, sandy, fragmented memory of what was...
Yesterday is when everyone wishes they were. Yesterday is always better than today will ever be. And tomorrow, well shit, tomorrow is what everyone always hopes will be the best. Yesterday gives us lessons and plans, and sometime really shitty food that we spend today paying for. So, yeah, I guess yesterday is kinda a dick too.
I just wish that the three of them wouldn't gang up on me...
So I have decided...I am not going to let today be anymore of an ass. I am done. Today can kiss my big fat toe. Today can take the plan and shove it. Once today is gone, it is gone for good. There will be no more today until tomorrow. Then I can deal with the bully that is tomorrow. Tomorrow tends to stick to the shadows, just out of reach. Kinda like the boogey man. You know it's in your closet, or under the bed, but you can never seem to catch the slimy little fucker. The only thing worse is when yesterday joins the fray. That gritty, pours through your fingers, sandy, fragmented memory of what was...
Yesterday is when everyone wishes they were. Yesterday is always better than today will ever be. And tomorrow, well shit, tomorrow is what everyone always hopes will be the best. Yesterday gives us lessons and plans, and sometime really shitty food that we spend today paying for. So, yeah, I guess yesterday is kinda a dick too.
I just wish that the three of them wouldn't gang up on me...
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Christmas in July...
Maybe you have noticed, maybe you haven't, maybe you live under a rock. But the holiday shopping season is getting earlier and earlier every year. Before long we will be pressured into shopping for next year on Christmas eve. I was kinda surprised when I went into a craft store in July and they already had christmas crap layed out. I can let that go, I mean as a crafter myself, I have to start planning earlier than most, what I am going to give out for the Holidays. July, really??
I am not a fan of the over commercialization of the season. I think that it should be about spending time with family and friends. It has been pounded into our heads that we have to get things for the holidays, and we have to give better than we get. This means that a ton of you bastards are taking out loans just to buy crap that people aren't going to remember 2 months later. I hate the fact that people feel the need to trample other members of our species for intelligent bits of plastic. I don't like the fact that businesses feel the need to open in the middle of the night so people can cram into their stores and buy smelly bath sets.
I am one of those strange people. I tend to make my presents every year. I do buy a few things because nothing says "Thanks for pushing me out of your vagina" like another set of ornaments. But I like to think of who I am making gifts for. I like to envision that person when I go nuts with glitter and glue. And I love to see thier faces when they get a gift of art for a present. Those slippers pale in comparison. I don't want huge over-priced crap for the holidays. I want to be able to spend time with my friends and family, and pig out on the food that everyone only makes once a year.
I am not a fan of the over commercialization of the season. I think that it should be about spending time with family and friends. It has been pounded into our heads that we have to get things for the holidays, and we have to give better than we get. This means that a ton of you bastards are taking out loans just to buy crap that people aren't going to remember 2 months later. I hate the fact that people feel the need to trample other members of our species for intelligent bits of plastic. I don't like the fact that businesses feel the need to open in the middle of the night so people can cram into their stores and buy smelly bath sets.
I am one of those strange people. I tend to make my presents every year. I do buy a few things because nothing says "Thanks for pushing me out of your vagina" like another set of ornaments. But I like to think of who I am making gifts for. I like to envision that person when I go nuts with glitter and glue. And I love to see thier faces when they get a gift of art for a present. Those slippers pale in comparison. I don't want huge over-priced crap for the holidays. I want to be able to spend time with my friends and family, and pig out on the food that everyone only makes once a year.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Honor thy....Um, Can't think of it...
So I have been thinking. I know, I know, that means that somewhere a smoke detector is going off. But things have been strange lately. I hear what people are saying, but I am not convinced that they believe half of what they are spouting. There are very few who speak with any type of passion or any true sincerity. It seems that they are just paying lip service to those they think want to hear it.
I hear talk of Honor and Respect, but actions will always speak louder than words. How can one expect others to follow what they say when they can't keep their own life straight. I know I have issues with my life right now, but I am also not telling anyone else that I am a great example. Hell, I am the last person anyone should want to emulate right now. I have too much crap to get rid of, and too many hobbies, and nowhere near enough time for yard work. But when I say I am going to do something, I make sure I get it done. I don't blow people off, and I don't like it when people blow me off.
We have come to live in the land of half-hearted promises, where people use words to get reactions, yet don't prove that they know what they actually mean. It's kinda like giving a 5 year old the remote to the TV. They know it works, they just don't know how or why. I think that words are that way with a lot of people. People understand what words mean, and what the basic definition is, but not how those words relate to life. They fail to notice the damage that words can do, and at the same time they use those words without abandon. They will use words that they know you hold dear and cherish, in order to make you feel like shit because you did something that they didn't agree with.
Words have power. But they also loose their power as they are used without regard, without context, and without heart.
I hear talk of Honor and Respect, but actions will always speak louder than words. How can one expect others to follow what they say when they can't keep their own life straight. I know I have issues with my life right now, but I am also not telling anyone else that I am a great example. Hell, I am the last person anyone should want to emulate right now. I have too much crap to get rid of, and too many hobbies, and nowhere near enough time for yard work. But when I say I am going to do something, I make sure I get it done. I don't blow people off, and I don't like it when people blow me off.
We have come to live in the land of half-hearted promises, where people use words to get reactions, yet don't prove that they know what they actually mean. It's kinda like giving a 5 year old the remote to the TV. They know it works, they just don't know how or why. I think that words are that way with a lot of people. People understand what words mean, and what the basic definition is, but not how those words relate to life. They fail to notice the damage that words can do, and at the same time they use those words without abandon. They will use words that they know you hold dear and cherish, in order to make you feel like shit because you did something that they didn't agree with.
Words have power. But they also loose their power as they are used without regard, without context, and without heart.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Early Veterans Day....
I know, Veterans Day isn't until tomorrow. Well, I say, suck it. I'm gonna do it today. Veterans Day is one of the most underrated federal holidays that we have. Sure we have a few parades, but most people just see it as an excuse to have a day off of work. Not me. My Grandfather was in World War 2, my Father served during Vietnam, I have several friends who have given the government that blank check. And I seriously value what the military has done for me. Every freakin' day.
I value those who put their life on the line so that I can sleep at night. I applaud those who leave home and family behind to protect our country and way of life. I appreciate the fact that these people have given everything upto and including their life. I only wish that more people can see our veterans the way I do. I wish that parents would teach their kids that serving in the military is honorable.
So even though I am a day early, I would like to say Thank You to all of our Vets, and all of our current and prospective military. Know that there are those of us out here who do really appreciate and value your service.
I value those who put their life on the line so that I can sleep at night. I applaud those who leave home and family behind to protect our country and way of life. I appreciate the fact that these people have given everything upto and including their life. I only wish that more people can see our veterans the way I do. I wish that parents would teach their kids that serving in the military is honorable.
So even though I am a day early, I would like to say Thank You to all of our Vets, and all of our current and prospective military. Know that there are those of us out here who do really appreciate and value your service.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The loss of a very dear friend...
Today I would like to take a moment to mourn a close and dear friend. We shall all mourn their passing, and with each day we shall remember those lessons that our friend tried so hard to teach us. Our friend was a great friend and now we have to pay attention to those things that we take for granted every single day. Such fine wisdom as...
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Common Sense was always there when we were about to make the biggest mistakes of our lives. Common Sense saved us more than once from speeding tickets and disfiguring mutilation. It was that voice in the back of our head that yelled when we were about to get our ass kicked. It warned of scalding hot pan handles, thin ice, and sleeping with our best friends significant other. Common Sense was a great, yet soft spoken advocate for not messing with spinning lawnmower blades, or lighting beehives on fire.
Toward the end of their life, Common Sense chose to take on the name Good Sense. At this point it was realized, that Common Sense was not so common anymore. One of the threads that held us together as people, had slowly started to unravel. The final breath across the teeth of Good Sense was when some had totally abandoned everything they were taught as they proceeded to cross the street without looking, when they chose to eat the green meat, and when they figured out that plastic bags make great 'baby occupiers". But we should not dwell on the past, we should focus on the fact that Good Sense is survived by Personal Responsibly, Courtesy, Respect and Truthfulness. Although to be told, most of the surviving relatives are currently in the hospital on life support.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
The 'New' Urban Dictionary
Frag-Today we are going to look at some of the odd ball bits of language that have been popping up lately. You know what I mean, LOL and netspeak, those strange and yet undefinable measurements such as butt-ton, and finally the total degradation of our language due to cats.
Fig-I can has a vowel??
Frag-So we will start with the most basic netspeak that I can remember right now..
1. LOL-Laugh out Loud, or I can't think of anything else to say.
2.ROTFLMAO-Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off...I really think what you said was that funny, or I am trying to show off my mad typing skills...
3.FTW-For the Win- This is used when something is really really cool, or when people think they are cool.
4. FML-Fu*k My Life--Usually used when the fit hits the shan, more often than not when people want attention. Also great for kids to drop the F bomb with out getting busted by adults!
Fig-Okay, so that's what all of those mean! I thought they were just random bits of text caused by cats. I mean you said we were gonna talk about cats!
Frag- We'll get to the cats in a bit. Now, have you ever wondered exactly how much a metric butt-ton is? I think we have the volume finally figured out. Now if you'll follow me here...we have 1 metric butt-ton, which is equivalent to approx 2.2 ass-tons US. one ass-ton is equal to about 5 ginormus bins, each bin is equal to about 6 OMG full bags of stuff...or you can cut out all of the conversions, and just figure that it roughly is the amount of crap that comes out of a teenagers backpack at the end of the school year.
Fig-I always wondered if there was a term for the stuff that manages to accumulate in a locker, or would that be similar to the backpack crap?
Frag-I think they are about the same. Somehow backpacks and lockers manage to warp space and time in order to be able to hold all of that stuff.
Fig-Can we talk about cats now?
Frag-Okay, fine. There seems to be a disturbing lack of proper spelling and vowel usage circulating the 'net right now. I blame the cats. Sure the pictures are cute and all, but the fact that these adorable fur balls have managed to convince us to use fragmented sentences, and horrific spelling is something that we should all be ashamed of. They have gotten us to turn a blind eye to the glaring, and often hard to understand LOL-speak.
Fig-LOL-speak?
Frag-Yes, LOL-speak. It is more insidious then we could ever imagine. Every day, with every LOL...it sneaks into our grammar and proceeds to bite and twist and destroy the drapes...It digs it's claws into the soft flesh that is proper verb usage, and leaves slimy little gifts in our nouns...We must all be on our guard...
Fig-It's sounds horrible! I mean all those cute little kittens! Won't somebody think of the kittens????
Frag-Oh, don't let their cute little faces and those adorable little ears fool you...There is a cat lobby that is right now, at this very moment plotting, and scheming to deliver the final coup de gras...reverting our spelling to fonics...It is a very dark time indeed.
Fig-I can has a vowel??
Frag-So we will start with the most basic netspeak that I can remember right now..
1. LOL-Laugh out Loud, or I can't think of anything else to say.
2.ROTFLMAO-Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off...I really think what you said was that funny, or I am trying to show off my mad typing skills...
3.FTW-For the Win- This is used when something is really really cool, or when people think they are cool.
4. FML-Fu*k My Life--Usually used when the fit hits the shan, more often than not when people want attention. Also great for kids to drop the F bomb with out getting busted by adults!
Fig-Okay, so that's what all of those mean! I thought they were just random bits of text caused by cats. I mean you said we were gonna talk about cats!
Frag- We'll get to the cats in a bit. Now, have you ever wondered exactly how much a metric butt-ton is? I think we have the volume finally figured out. Now if you'll follow me here...we have 1 metric butt-ton, which is equivalent to approx 2.2 ass-tons US. one ass-ton is equal to about 5 ginormus bins, each bin is equal to about 6 OMG full bags of stuff...or you can cut out all of the conversions, and just figure that it roughly is the amount of crap that comes out of a teenagers backpack at the end of the school year.
Fig-I always wondered if there was a term for the stuff that manages to accumulate in a locker, or would that be similar to the backpack crap?
Frag-I think they are about the same. Somehow backpacks and lockers manage to warp space and time in order to be able to hold all of that stuff.
Fig-Can we talk about cats now?
Frag-Okay, fine. There seems to be a disturbing lack of proper spelling and vowel usage circulating the 'net right now. I blame the cats. Sure the pictures are cute and all, but the fact that these adorable fur balls have managed to convince us to use fragmented sentences, and horrific spelling is something that we should all be ashamed of. They have gotten us to turn a blind eye to the glaring, and often hard to understand LOL-speak.
Fig-LOL-speak?
Frag-Yes, LOL-speak. It is more insidious then we could ever imagine. Every day, with every LOL...it sneaks into our grammar and proceeds to bite and twist and destroy the drapes...It digs it's claws into the soft flesh that is proper verb usage, and leaves slimy little gifts in our nouns...We must all be on our guard...
Fig-It's sounds horrible! I mean all those cute little kittens! Won't somebody think of the kittens????
Frag-Oh, don't let their cute little faces and those adorable little ears fool you...There is a cat lobby that is right now, at this very moment plotting, and scheming to deliver the final coup de gras...reverting our spelling to fonics...It is a very dark time indeed.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Black Friday Shopping...
Hell, I figure that all of the retail giants are already talking about Black Friday, so I will give you guys a bit of a leg up.
Frag-"Well, we are back at one of the most hectic and stressful times of the year. So this year we are happy to present you with some helpful tips to allow you to get the most out of this wonderful season."
Fig-"Oh yes...leftover turkey sandwiches!" *does the snoopy dance*
Frag-"Today's subject is how to successfully shop on Black Friday. For all of you who get the Friday off after thanksgiving, it is the biggest shopping day of the year. It has become one of the biggest, most terrifying days in a retail clerks life. They get to deal with angry customers, dumb questions and short breaks."
Fig-"So are we shopping on black Friday?" Because I have the shoulder pads and the shin guards all lined up. I even touched up the paint!"
Frag-"You can go shopping if you want to, but I will be among one of the several over worked register monkeys on Friday. So here are 10 tips to help the poor retail worker while you are out indulging in low prices and long lines."
Frag-"Tip 1: If you know that all of the big box stores are going to be filled to capacity with people hung over on cranberry sauce and stuffing, go to the smaller local stores and get your small special stuff first!"
Fig-"Tip 2: If you feel the need to go to a huge store for that shirt that is going to be uber cheap, you can't go wrong with simple body checks to get to the rack."
Frag-"Tip 3: Park as far away from the front of the store as possible. This will give you a head start as people circle the lot in their SUV's looking for a place to park."
Fig-"Tip 4: Make a list of who you need to buy gifts for ahead of time and if you are on a budget, give each person a dollar amount."
Frag-"Tip 5: Make sure you have your credit card out when you get to the register. Clerks really like it when people are ready to go. This allows them to help the maximum amount of people per hour."
Fig-"Tip 6: Do not, I repeat DO NOT talk on your cell phone while a clerk is trying to help you. I don't care if you forgot Uncle Eddys favorite brand of underwear, this is just plain rude."
Frag-"Tip 7: If you add a simple pair of steel toed boots to your shopping wardrobe, you can avoid the pain of having a 4 inch stiletto heel jammed into your foot!"
Fig-"Tip 8: Remember, old people move slower. If you can maintain a brisk pace, you can beat them to the register!"
Frag-" Tip 9: With all of the kids running loose in the stores, remember to shuffle your feet. That will help to push them out of the way and allow you to gain access to the toy sections."
Fig-" Tip 10: Please be nice to the clerks. Most of them are doing this so they can survive. They don't need some soccer mom yelling at them because they don't have neon purple mary janes in Suzy's size."
Frag-"And please dear people, be nice to each other!"
Frag-"Well, we are back at one of the most hectic and stressful times of the year. So this year we are happy to present you with some helpful tips to allow you to get the most out of this wonderful season."
Fig-"Oh yes...leftover turkey sandwiches!" *does the snoopy dance*
Frag-"Today's subject is how to successfully shop on Black Friday. For all of you who get the Friday off after thanksgiving, it is the biggest shopping day of the year. It has become one of the biggest, most terrifying days in a retail clerks life. They get to deal with angry customers, dumb questions and short breaks."
Fig-"So are we shopping on black Friday?" Because I have the shoulder pads and the shin guards all lined up. I even touched up the paint!"
Frag-"You can go shopping if you want to, but I will be among one of the several over worked register monkeys on Friday. So here are 10 tips to help the poor retail worker while you are out indulging in low prices and long lines."
Frag-"Tip 1: If you know that all of the big box stores are going to be filled to capacity with people hung over on cranberry sauce and stuffing, go to the smaller local stores and get your small special stuff first!"
Fig-"Tip 2: If you feel the need to go to a huge store for that shirt that is going to be uber cheap, you can't go wrong with simple body checks to get to the rack."
Frag-"Tip 3: Park as far away from the front of the store as possible. This will give you a head start as people circle the lot in their SUV's looking for a place to park."
Fig-"Tip 4: Make a list of who you need to buy gifts for ahead of time and if you are on a budget, give each person a dollar amount."
Frag-"Tip 5: Make sure you have your credit card out when you get to the register. Clerks really like it when people are ready to go. This allows them to help the maximum amount of people per hour."
Fig-"Tip 6: Do not, I repeat DO NOT talk on your cell phone while a clerk is trying to help you. I don't care if you forgot Uncle Eddys favorite brand of underwear, this is just plain rude."
Frag-"Tip 7: If you add a simple pair of steel toed boots to your shopping wardrobe, you can avoid the pain of having a 4 inch stiletto heel jammed into your foot!"
Fig-"Tip 8: Remember, old people move slower. If you can maintain a brisk pace, you can beat them to the register!"
Frag-" Tip 9: With all of the kids running loose in the stores, remember to shuffle your feet. That will help to push them out of the way and allow you to gain access to the toy sections."
Fig-" Tip 10: Please be nice to the clerks. Most of them are doing this so they can survive. They don't need some soccer mom yelling at them because they don't have neon purple mary janes in Suzy's size."
Frag-"And please dear people, be nice to each other!"
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Tips for winter holidays
So here is another relic from the attic....Maybe this will help some people, maybe not. And with the Hannakwanzayulemass season swiftly sneaking up on us like a hungry bear, I can recycle more of the old crap I have laying around...
Frag-"Okay, with that wonderful time of year approaching, we will be taking a break from our usual format to bring you something more...Um...Entertaining. The FIG & FRAG Guide to Graceful Gift Receiving!"
Fig-"Why?"
Frag-"Beacuse there are tons of guides out there on how to find the right gift, yet not very many(if any at all) on receiving gifts. So here are a few pointers to help people with receiving all of the gifts that they may get this season."
Fig-*unwraps a package* "Hey Where did you get this? How much was it?"
Frag-"Here *points to Fig* We have the first examples of what not to say when you are given a gift. Now we realize that not everyone asks those annoying questions when they receive something, but there are those few that do. Rule No. 1-Don't ask where something came from unless it is really cool and you want to get more!!! It makes the person that gave you the gift start to second guess their purchase. Remember, they thought enough about you to get you something. They should not feel bad because they went through the effort to pick it out.
Rule No. 2 Never ask how much something cost!!!! Once again it is about the thought and never the price. Keep in mind that people may not have much money, and they may have tons of people they wish to get things for."
Fig-"Okay I kinda see the point, but what if they got you something really expensive that you will never use?"
Frag-"Just smile, thank them for the gift, and remember that you don't have to use it unless they come over for the holidays and expect to see thier gift in use." *Points to creepy snowman candles*
Fig-"But I gave you those last year!"
Frag-"Exactly, I knew that you would like to see them out, so despite the creepiness factor, I put them out this time of year because you gave them to me."
Fig-"But what about the goofy stuff that people seem to give you every year? I mean you can only have so many bath sets before your set for life?"
Frag-In those cases, as long as you plan correctly, you can re-gift a certain amount of those bath sets and candy dishes. Which brings us to No. 3 Never re-gift a gift to someone who hangs out in the same circles on a regular basis. I would never give a gift a friend gave me to another friend if they saw each other on a regular basis. I might pass it on to a relative who never sees my friends, but not to someone who hangs out with the gift giver."
Fig-"What do you do when there are several people there and you have tons of stuff to look over?"
Frag-"Try to spend the same amount of time looking over each gift that way no one feels slighted. This shows people that no matter what you got from whoever, you care about the thought that they put into the gift."
Fig-"How do I know if I am leaving anyone out when it comes to thank you's?"
Frag-"If possible, and people are there, make sure that you say 'thank you' to everyone there. And with some people hugs are called for. If you can't thank everyone in person, it helps to write down the names of who gave you what and send 'thank you' notes or cards."
Fig-"What about people that question the gift? I mean not how it works, but say you give someone a signed peice of art, that is made by a native american, and the artist does not have a 'traditional' sounding name?"
Frag-"You calmly explain that many people with native american roots, don't necessarily have 'traditional' names. This does not discount the gift itself. People who ask that type of question, tend to look at things, and not the fact that someone made the effort to pick out a gift that they thought they would like. It is better for people receiving the gift, to keep their mouths shut and just say 'thanks'."
Fig-"Well, I hope that this will help some people with gift receiving this year, and in the future as well."
Frag-"Just remeber even if you hate the gift, you can still make the person giving it feel good."
Frag-"Okay, with that wonderful time of year approaching, we will be taking a break from our usual format to bring you something more...Um...Entertaining. The FIG & FRAG Guide to Graceful Gift Receiving!"
Fig-"Why?"
Frag-"Beacuse there are tons of guides out there on how to find the right gift, yet not very many(if any at all) on receiving gifts. So here are a few pointers to help people with receiving all of the gifts that they may get this season."
Fig-*unwraps a package* "Hey Where did you get this? How much was it?"
Frag-"Here *points to Fig* We have the first examples of what not to say when you are given a gift. Now we realize that not everyone asks those annoying questions when they receive something, but there are those few that do. Rule No. 1-Don't ask where something came from unless it is really cool and you want to get more!!! It makes the person that gave you the gift start to second guess their purchase. Remember, they thought enough about you to get you something. They should not feel bad because they went through the effort to pick it out.
Rule No. 2 Never ask how much something cost!!!! Once again it is about the thought and never the price. Keep in mind that people may not have much money, and they may have tons of people they wish to get things for."
Fig-"Okay I kinda see the point, but what if they got you something really expensive that you will never use?"
Frag-"Just smile, thank them for the gift, and remember that you don't have to use it unless they come over for the holidays and expect to see thier gift in use." *Points to creepy snowman candles*
Fig-"But I gave you those last year!"
Frag-"Exactly, I knew that you would like to see them out, so despite the creepiness factor, I put them out this time of year because you gave them to me."
Fig-"But what about the goofy stuff that people seem to give you every year? I mean you can only have so many bath sets before your set for life?"
Frag-In those cases, as long as you plan correctly, you can re-gift a certain amount of those bath sets and candy dishes. Which brings us to No. 3 Never re-gift a gift to someone who hangs out in the same circles on a regular basis. I would never give a gift a friend gave me to another friend if they saw each other on a regular basis. I might pass it on to a relative who never sees my friends, but not to someone who hangs out with the gift giver."
Fig-"What do you do when there are several people there and you have tons of stuff to look over?"
Frag-"Try to spend the same amount of time looking over each gift that way no one feels slighted. This shows people that no matter what you got from whoever, you care about the thought that they put into the gift."
Fig-"How do I know if I am leaving anyone out when it comes to thank you's?"
Frag-"If possible, and people are there, make sure that you say 'thank you' to everyone there. And with some people hugs are called for. If you can't thank everyone in person, it helps to write down the names of who gave you what and send 'thank you' notes or cards."
Fig-"What about people that question the gift? I mean not how it works, but say you give someone a signed peice of art, that is made by a native american, and the artist does not have a 'traditional' sounding name?"
Frag-"You calmly explain that many people with native american roots, don't necessarily have 'traditional' names. This does not discount the gift itself. People who ask that type of question, tend to look at things, and not the fact that someone made the effort to pick out a gift that they thought they would like. It is better for people receiving the gift, to keep their mouths shut and just say 'thanks'."
Fig-"Well, I hope that this will help some people with gift receiving this year, and in the future as well."
Frag-"Just remeber even if you hate the gift, you can still make the person giving it feel good."
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
The post Halloween Sugar Coma....
I freakin' love Halloween. It has to be one of my favorite time of the year. The weather has cooled off, the leaves are turning, and all the graveyards have extra security. Unfortunately the last few years since I have moved into my house, this, my most venerated holiday, has become a gigantic pain in the ass. Now I know what you might be thinking, it's not the decorations, it's not the bags of candy, nor the pumpkin guts. It's the people in my neighborhood.
The first year I lived in my house, I dressed up and stood on my porch handing out candy. I had parents with new-born babies telling me that the candy was for the baby. Now normally you will get one or 2 of these a night. Not in my neighborhood. They seem to out number the kids in costumes at least 2 to 1. Okay, I can still deal, but at least put forth some kind of effort! All I ask is you make an attempt at a costume. Hell, just put on a wig or do your hair. Next we have the teenagers who wear street clothes. Really, I mean come on! This is the one time of the year when you can do crazy shit and no one can say otherwise. But even on Halloween, I still don't want to see your underwear. But the initial event that made me start to cringe when the leaves started turning was this, a group of kids about 8 come to my door, not so unusual, but it was 11:00pm. Yep, way the fuck after regulation trick or treat hours.
The next year went pretty much the same, only now there was a fresh group of parents with babies, the teens are still showing off their terrible taste in underwear, and candy wrappers all over my yard. And still the determined kids trying to squeeze every drop of free processed sugar out of our neighborhood. It was after the second year when I decided to take my son to my parents house to do his legalized extortion. We had a blast and rolled home about 9:00pm and before we could even get our coats off, there was a gaggle of kids at my door. Now I don't know about the rest of you, but I was trained at an early age that you didn't go to houses when the porch light was off, something about being grabbed by the creep in the dark, but that doesn't stop anyone in my 'hood. Hell, if you bathroom light is on and they can see it from the alley, you are fair game.
Last year was my last straw with my favorite holiday. I had a small pumpkin patch in my front yard. I spent all summer babying and coddling my one pumpkin that decided it wanted a chance at life, only to have it ripped from the vine weeks before it was ready to be carved. I actually cried. I was broken, and had lost my faith in my fellow humans. This, combined with past history has made this day a reason for me to be anywhere but home. And it breaks my heart. I don't like not giving out candy on Halloween, but until I can find something else, I may just have to make other plans.
I think next year I will give out Japanese snack crackers...you know the kind wrapped in dried seaweed...if you can't be bothered to be respectful to others, then can you really be bothered to read a label in a different language?
The first year I lived in my house, I dressed up and stood on my porch handing out candy. I had parents with new-born babies telling me that the candy was for the baby. Now normally you will get one or 2 of these a night. Not in my neighborhood. They seem to out number the kids in costumes at least 2 to 1. Okay, I can still deal, but at least put forth some kind of effort! All I ask is you make an attempt at a costume. Hell, just put on a wig or do your hair. Next we have the teenagers who wear street clothes. Really, I mean come on! This is the one time of the year when you can do crazy shit and no one can say otherwise. But even on Halloween, I still don't want to see your underwear. But the initial event that made me start to cringe when the leaves started turning was this, a group of kids about 8 come to my door, not so unusual, but it was 11:00pm. Yep, way the fuck after regulation trick or treat hours.
The next year went pretty much the same, only now there was a fresh group of parents with babies, the teens are still showing off their terrible taste in underwear, and candy wrappers all over my yard. And still the determined kids trying to squeeze every drop of free processed sugar out of our neighborhood. It was after the second year when I decided to take my son to my parents house to do his legalized extortion. We had a blast and rolled home about 9:00pm and before we could even get our coats off, there was a gaggle of kids at my door. Now I don't know about the rest of you, but I was trained at an early age that you didn't go to houses when the porch light was off, something about being grabbed by the creep in the dark, but that doesn't stop anyone in my 'hood. Hell, if you bathroom light is on and they can see it from the alley, you are fair game.
Last year was my last straw with my favorite holiday. I had a small pumpkin patch in my front yard. I spent all summer babying and coddling my one pumpkin that decided it wanted a chance at life, only to have it ripped from the vine weeks before it was ready to be carved. I actually cried. I was broken, and had lost my faith in my fellow humans. This, combined with past history has made this day a reason for me to be anywhere but home. And it breaks my heart. I don't like not giving out candy on Halloween, but until I can find something else, I may just have to make other plans.
I think next year I will give out Japanese snack crackers...you know the kind wrapped in dried seaweed...if you can't be bothered to be respectful to others, then can you really be bothered to read a label in a different language?
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