Free POT!

Fig- Now that we have your attention, today we would like to talk about elections.


Frag- Yep they are coming up this year and we get to pick which clown gets stuffed in the car first!


Fig-If only we could stuff them in a car...


Frag-So we have the dull grey mammal party...


Frig-Uh, you just described both of them.


Frag-Damn, okay how about the "Jackass Party' and the 'unwieldy, stompy party', and there are also the 'I'm on my own party', 'the soggy leaf party' and 'taste the rainbow party'.


Fig- Each one this year is offering us something new! We can have an old white guy...


Frag-Not so new there!


Fig-We can have ones that are sponsored by massive corporations


Frag-Nope, try again.


Fig-How about someone who is gonna stand up for the people?


Frag-Oh they'll stand alright. Behind every podium until one of them wins this round of musical chairs.


Fig-Do any of them actually do anything?


Frag-Not really. But the democratic process is important. It is what separates us from warlords and dictators. We still have a small voice. Not much of one, kinda like a mouse squeaking into the wind, but a voice none the less.


Fig- Sounds like we need a megaphone.


Frag-That we do.

Frag-All right you fuckers! We have a PSA for you today. And we want everyone to pay attention to it!

Fig-With everyone moving to our fair state now that we have legal weed, we need to cover some ground rules. And today we are going to start with driving.

Frag- We are fortunate enough to live in a state that has mountains and plains and other cool geographical features. Now what this means is that we also get weather. And weather means that you can't drive like total douchbag like you can in the summer.

Fig- Rain for instance. Rain sucks to drive in and the puddles are a big hassle, but you can still see the lines on the roads. It's not like that opaque white shit that falls from the sky. And I mean snow, not that other white shit. So don't get any ideas!

Frag- So we also want to give everyone a refresher course on...Street signs! You know, those colorful things that you are supposed to pay attention to!

Fig- So here is our first sign. Now you may have noticed this one commonly placed in the junction of 2 streets. This means that you are supposed to cease any and all forward motion until you are clear to proceed. Not slow down....Stop your freakin' car!!!

 

Frag- This next one is also very  important. This one means you need to stop if there is traffic, but if there is no traffic, then you don't have to stop. These are common when getting onto or off of highways. These will help the confused and aid them in properly merging with oncoming traffic. It's also so you don't run into anybody!

Fig- we would also like to bring a new rule to your attention, well not so much new as understated. The Lug Nut Rule...The Lug Nut Rule states simply, whoever has the most lug nuts on their vehicle will win in a crash. It's really simple...If it's bigger than you, it's gonna fucking win.

 Frag- Our last one for this PSA is this kinda plain black and white bastard up above. This tells you how fast you can go. pay attention and don't be a dick.If you need to be somewhere at a certain time, please leave early. Don't expect heavy traffic to part like the red sea just because you are in a hurry.

Fig-We hope this helps with all the new people who are on our roads this year. We would really like to be able to drive without having to cuss like a fucking sailor ( we do anyway but...)in our cars. We all just want to get from one point to the other, so let me say it louder for the folks in the back...DON'T BE A DICK AND READ THE FREAKING SIGNS!

Happy New Year!

Frag-Since our owner is a slack-ass and slept right through the midnight festivities, we have decided to give you a list of Holiday sins that we saw this last year.

Fig-Can I just take care of one thing first?

Frag-Yeah, sure.

Fig- Thanks *carries sledge hammer*

Frag- Um, what the hell?

Fig-*smashes hammer down on one of those Elf on a Shelf thingies*  Okay, there we go, much better!

Frag- Okay. I will give you that one, those things are creepy as fuck! So let's start there. This trend of trying to scare the crap out of your kids by posing this creepy doll around their room to extort them to be good, needs to go away. If you have to rely on a stuffed toy to 'encourage' your kids to behave for at least one month of the year, then all we have to say is...

Fig-Parenting! Your doin' it wrong!

Frag-Let's move on to the 'trendy toy' sin.

Fig-You all know what I am talking about with this one too.

Frag-This will turn even the most gentle soul into Satan, yes with a capitol 'S', while shopping. These people are so worried or guilty about how they are taking care of their kids, that they will start pistol-whipping other shoppers just so they can placate their own feelings by teaching little Buffy that all that matters this year is plastic.

Fig-Let us not forget the unholy day that is 'Black Friday'. Let us hang our heads and have a moment of silence for those poor souls forced to serve the savage packs of consumers that want nothing more than cheap crap from China.

Frag-Let us look at, then promptly destroy the Christmas Letter tradition. I think that most people see these as a way of keeping family informed of major milestones over the last year. And I know that our readers will understand when I say 'milestone' I mean shit like giving birth, or buying a first home. Not bragging about your damn cat or how many book clubs you joined.

Fig-Maybe some people just need to learn how to write these types of letters...

Frag-Now that the year is over, and these have already happened, we can work toward next year. Our resolution for this year, will be to add meaning to the things that we do. All we have is our time here, and we should live everyday like it's a major holiday. We should be thankful all year, and not just for 30 days. And we should take a close look at ourselves and see if we like what we have become. beyond that, have fun, and may the best of your past, be the worst of your future!

Tech Support

Fig-*snarls* Damnit! If you interrupt me one more time, I am gonna reach through this phone and slap the ever loving shit out of you! *deep breath* No Sir, I am sorry that you managed to delete your internet and all of your cat pictures...

Frag-*Australian Accent* Here we have a rare treat! Today we get to examine the technical support specialist in the wild! Now I want you all to keep your distance as they can be rather wiley, and lunge at highly caffeinated beverages and sugary treats. Please don't feed them!

Fig-Thank you sir have a nice day!

Frag-Now what we have just witnessed is the end of a call, and it seems that the tech is going to retreat for a few moments and take a quick respite.

Fig-Tech Support, How can I help you today?

Frag-Now we get to see the tech at the beginning of the cycle. These cycles tend to last anywhere from 3-30 minutes at a time. Now we don't know at the onset, how long each of these cycles will last, as each one varies widely.

Fig-*shakes head* No Mam', I am not able to tell you the password for your computer, you were the one who had to pick one, and we don't store that information. Besides we have no way of tracking that information as you are not even one of our customers.

Frag- Now what we are seeing is the main reason for stress on the technician. The other leading cause of tech stress is people who just won't listen.

Fig-No sir, you are the one who needs to turn your printer off and back on. I am not at your house, so I cannot do that for you.

Frag-Now the one saving grace for the techie, is their mute button. This allows them to retreat from the onslaught of stupid just long enough for them to not break down into a drooling pile of slimy muck!

Fig-Mame, I am going to need you to take you cat out of your computer tower and take it to the nearest computer repair shop there is nothing I am going to be able to help you with....No, please do not use soap and water to clean out the computer....No, don't put it in the microwave either...

Movie Review...Deep Blue Sea

Fig-Oh crap! Science has done it again!

Frag-Done what exactly?

Fig-Created gigantic, mutant killer sharks!

Frag-Are you talking about what I think you're talking about?

Fig-Only if you think I am talking about a movie with 2 ton Mako sharks that only have one thing on their mind!

Frag- I thought so.

Fig-Don't you see though, we can't let the scientists do things like this anymore! It cannot be allowed! First they started with the dinosaurs, and we all know how that ended up! They trashed a good portion of a major metropolitian area!.

Frag-Do I need to remind you that it wasn't real?

Fig-But in this one we have huge ass sharks that take down a whole underwater lab complex that should have been able to withstand several direct bomb hits! And they eat people, and it's all the scientists fault!

Frag-Uh, you know you are supposed to be doing a movie review right?

Fig- I'm getting to it! But don't you see the error in the thinking here? One person gets it through their skull that some animal who can already make a snack out of humans, needs to be fucked with on a genetic level! I mean really. Do we even need to talk about how things like this are a bad idea? I mean the only one with a head on his shoulders is the Preacher with the foul-mouthed parrot. Damn that bird was funny.

Frag-Stay on target here!

Fig-*deep breath* Okay, so if you havn't gotten the gist of this movie yet, then damn, you don't get out much do you. The basis of the story is that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The lead scientist decided that it would be a good idea to genetically alter sharks to give them bigger brains so that she could cure alzhiemers. Not a bad cause, but come on! Have we not learned from our past mistakes?

Frag-Get on with it!

Fig-Okay, okay! Sheesh! So anyway the sharks cause problems and people get eaten like ribs at a barbeque. They manage to get rid of 2 of the giant fish, then they manage to blow the 3rd one up just as it makes its play for freedom. And who knows what would have happened had our genetically altered bag of teeth make it to open waters and infect others?

Frag-Are you going to do a real review here any time soon?

Fig-But I am doing the review! Reviewer gets to write the blog, peanut gallery shuts their cake hole!

Frag- After you then...

Fig-So never mind the fact that there are now bits of modified shark running around just waiting for other fish to eat...Ah damn, there comes the boat to take everyone home from the long weekend!

Movie Review...Twister

Frag-Right now we are sitting in the middle of Tornado Season here in the west. It comes every year and so do the huge death spirals of air and junk. Now tornados are nothing to take lightly. They are very deadly and cause tons of property damage every year. So we are gonna pick on a movie about twisters instead.

Fig-I can't talk right now Julia, we've got cows!

Frag- The movie starts off with a family in what can only be described as a farm house in the mid-west or tornado alley. A family of 3 takes shelter in a cellar, and the father gets sucked up by the huge spinning tube of  death while trying to protect his family and hold a door shut.

Fig-It's the suck zone...

Frag-Time speed to today (or mid 1990's if you are keeping track). And the weather center is predicting the worst storm season in like forever. Our child from the first scene is all growed up and has taken the predictable career of storm chaser. She has assembled the motley crew that includes a dorky chick (our heroine can't be the only one) A guy with pretty sever OCD when it comes to his maps, some guy they nicknamed 'Preacher' (not quite sure what this one does), a goofy yet lovable nuisance named Dusty (again, not sure what he does) and a couple of others who just appear to be there for window dressing.

Fig-Enter the old/new love interest!

Frag-The hero of the movie drives his nice new truck and his even nicer new fiance out to where our group of chasers has assembled what can only be described as a tin can with flashy things. All in the name of getting the leading lady to sign divorce papers so that they can start the boring life they have dreamed of. Hero and heroine do a bit of bickering, heroine and fiance trade some barbs, then enters the Dread Pirate Roberts (or at least the guy who played him in the other movie). Words and fists are thrown about like so may cream pies, and many accusations about theft of intellectual property.

Fig-What about the twisters! I wanna hear about the action

Frag-Shut your cake hole! I am trying to give the good folks at home a good overview of this film! So lets see, so the twisters start showing up, small at first then getting bigger and bigger until you get one that decides to demolish a small town where the beloved aunt of our heroine lives and destroys her house, but leaves her really, really cool wind sculptures.

Fig- I am sure that there is a parallel here somewhere, I just can't figure it out.

Frag- So here comes the world changing idea, their flashy cans are too light to be of any use, so the less stated cast members are set to the task of cutting their fingers to ribbons to attach tin can bits to their sensors that live in the flashy cans. Oh, yeah the fiance has bailed at this point. Can't take the heat, and this just serves to reinforce that the hero and heroine are meant to be.

Fig-Can we skip the kissing parts?

Frag-Animosity aside, they try to share some information with the Dread Pirate Roberts, he shoots down their advise and ends up getting killed when his souped up Surburban is taken for a ride and smashed into the ground as what can only be described as a very, very angry god. Now we decide that this is the perfect time  to trash a perfectly good truck in some poor farmers field. Then they decide that breaking and entering is the order of they day as they try to take shelter in what looks like Jeffery Dahmers kitchen.

Fig-Are we almost done here? I have more movies to watch!

Frag-So in the end, the hero and heroine end up living through one of the most destructive forces in nature, just to start arguing over who is going to be what since they managed to get the tin can to fly.

3 Jobs that everyone should have

Frag-We here in our twisted little universe like to think that we have a pretty good handle on things. We take care of ourselves, we get let out for walks and we even get fed real food now and again. All of those great things aside, we need to talk about jobs.

Fig-Jobs? Why the hell would we want to talk about that?

Frag-You see, we spend most of our adult lives at work. And when we are not at work, we are thinking about work. But today I want to talk to you about the jobs that everyone should work at least once.

Fig-They have those? I thought you were in the same job until you died!

Frag-It used to be the way that things were done, but not anymore. Most jobs have a fairly high turn over rate. Hell we went through 3 jobs in the last year alone. And those 3 jobs have taught me a lot of things.

Fig-So I guess this is where you tell us exactly what is on your mind right?

Frag-Yes, this is that part. For the first time ever, we had the privilege to work in a call center. And I don't mean for a small company as reception. Oh no, we had to start this out big time. We had to go directly to one of the major shipping companies in the US. I'll give you a hint, they have an eagle for the logo.

Fig-Oh yes, that one. That one was about as fun as being stripped nekkid and left in a blizzard in the middle of Fargo, with a slushy.

Frag-I am not sure it was even that fun. It was non-stop for a good part of our shifts, and the people were so rude that you could strip paint with the vileness that they spewed on a regular basis. They would take out all of their feelings on the poor bastard who ended up being lucky enough to answer the phone. So for our first job, we have customer service!

Fig-Oh, so then what is next? Was it that time that we got blamed for doing someone else's job?

Frag-No, that's a whole other tale for another drunken rant. No next is Retail. The dreaded R word. You haven't really had a crappy job until you have had to clean up a store at Christmas time. You don't know hell until you have had to witness people trample each other and get bent out of shape that the socks they purchased are not exactly the right color of black.

Fig-Wouldn't this be better as a scary story around Halloween?

Frag-Maybe, but I digress, the next job that everyone should have is Food Service. If you have ever worked food service a day in you life, then you know that the only thing worse than serving people food is the knowledge that somewhere people are fishing the leftovers out of a dumpster. People in food service have one of the toughest jobs imaginable. They have to deal with over pick snots who think that they are better than everyone, and then there are those who will try anything for a free meal.

Fig-I love our servers. Everyone should be nice to them, remember, they are the ones who can choose to spit in your food!

Fig and Frags guide to Retail Holidays....

Frag-We are going to do something a bit different, today we are going to look at Holidays. And I don't mean the traditional holidays that everyone celebrates, but rather those that the reatil worker celebrates....

Fig-Having worked in retail for a few years, my favorite holiday was "Turkey Recovery Day", or Black Friday for those not playing the home game!

Frag-That explains alot! Now we will go through all of the reatil holidays starting at the beginning of the year... In January it starts with Valentines day (also known as "legalized prostitution day"). Lately it seems that the cards, and heart shaped boxes of calories have been hitting the shelf earlier than ever. I mean we don't even get done with Christmas, and the next one gets shoved down our throats.

Fig-Yea, but then we get the really fun "Musical nationalities" day...And I love the color green!!!

Frag-Yeah, but it doesn't tend to love you back! And with that we see St. Patty's morph into 4th of July right around the beginning of June, and a never ending patriotic parade of red, white and blue all swirlied together with summer colors, Labor day grilling sales and if you are really lucky... Cinco De Mayo!

Fig-The we come to the most dreaded retail holiday...Back to School! The one that everyone loves to hate!! This one starts, in most areas, around the beginning of June as well. Parents like it because it means the kids are out of the house again, and kids hate it because it means that thier days of fucking off and wasting time are over.

Frag- Directly on the heels of back to school, we have none other that the ubiquitous Fall/Halloween holiday. Orange, Browns and reds cover almost every square inch of everything just after July 4th, and hiding just behind it are all of the fake eyelashes and crappy costume kits, with a heavy dose of black grease make-up smeared on top.

Fig-Oh yes, then comes Thanksgiving and all of the posts on every social media site about how you "should be thankful everyday" and not just when the rest of your family is around and you finally have a chance to ring your cousins' neck.

Frag- And as the circle of the year draws to a close, we are back where we started, with people trampling each other for cheap merchandise and getting all butt-hurt that they didn't get the newest gadget in the color they wanted.

Fig- I am really getting tired of Holiday music in October. Don't they know that it's the wrong month??

Frag-Just keep in mind, that it is retail, and holidays in Retail do not flow by like the ones on the calendar. They show up early and decide to trample you until you submit and wind up buying bunting and punch bowls in every color of the rainbow.

Just a small rant...

I am an artist. I love to create things. I love to see people fall in love and enjoy the things I make and it makes me happy and content to no end every time I sell a piece. But I am tired of people not stepping up. I am sick of hearing "Your stuff is beautiful, I would love to have a piece" or the ubiquitous "You are so talented, how do you do it?"

Now onto the rant part of things, If you really, really like my stuff...buy it! I pour every ounce of myself into every thing I do. And I know that times are hard and there is not a lot of extra cash floating around, so that is why I keep my prices low. I don't try to price match items on Etsy, and I don't sell things for a dollar, like on ebay. I cover my costs so that I can make just a little extra money to do things like oh, get my trucks fixed, or right now, pay for insane plumbing repairs. I also donate half of the money I manage to make from the shell casing jewelry.

Yep. I donate 50%.

So for anyone who has ever made and sold crafts, you know that part of pricing your items is also supposed to cover your time.

Yeah, that rarely happens.

And I cannot begin to tell you how many people say they want to get tattoo work done. And yet, not one has called to schedule an appointment. I realize that the fact that I have to have a day job to pay the regular bills does, in fact, affect the times that I can stay up way late or burn myself out working on a piece. I know the fact that I am not available when ever anyone has and extra $20 in their pockets, does effectively take me out of the running for those 'spur of the moment' tattoos.

I am almost done, but before I finish my little rant here, just remember that even the smallest purchase from an artist can mean the difference between driving on bald tires in the snow, and being able to keep their family safe.

With that being said, here is a shameless plug.

https://www.wepay.com/stores/price-of-freedom 

Fig-Today I would like to talk about lies. It has recently come to my knowledge that we Americans, as a people are being constantly lied to.

Frag-Oh what in the hell are you talking about now?

Fig-Only the biggest farce to be perpetrated on the American people since Roswell!

Frag-Okay, ya know what? At this point I am not sure I even want to know.

Fig- That's okay, I have to tell someone and if it isn't you, then it might as well be the true victims of this giant lie! Everyone needs to know! I will shout it from the mountain tops if I have to!

Frag-Crap. Once Fig gets going like this, there is no way to escape unharmed...

Fig-Now, can I finally tell them? Or are you gonna keep interrupting?

Frag-Go on then.

Fig-*que patriotic music* Okay, well we have all seen the commercials on TV, we have heard the slogans, and we have been told that in order to go anywhere we want, all we have to do is spend tens of thousands of dollars. We have been told that it's tough, we have been told that it is a heartbeat, we have been told that snow, ice nor rain will hamper forward progress.

Frag-*Sigh* I know where this is going...

Fig-We are shown endless mountain ranges, snow drifts, mud puddles, and city streets. We have been convinced that we all need to have these invincible, rugged, yet luxurious conveyances. They want us to believe that no matter what job we need to do, no matter how much dirt we need to haul, no matter how many steel beams we need for little Joey's bunk bed, that this will get the job done! American Style!

Frag-Cut to the chase will you!

Fig-Okay fine! Now will you quit interrupting me?

Frag-Yea, I will,

Fig-Ahem, So As I was saying, we have all of these images of rugged, tough, unstoppable-ness in our minds, We willingly pay upwards of $30,000 for most of these things, yet there seems to be a problem. 

Frag-And if ya haven't figured it out yet, we are talking about Pick-Up Trucks...

Fig-Yes. Yes we are. And the lie is that these can do anything cool at all. All I ever see are ads where they drop what I can only assume to be thousands of pounds of whatever in the bed of the truck and then drive it to the top of the highest peak within 3 states. Or they drive it through a bog that would eat elephants if given a chance, but the truck comes out on the other side all clean and ready to take your wife to an elegant dinner at the country club.

Frag-So uh, where exactly is the lie?

Fig-Railroad Tracks.

Frag-Perhaps you would care to expound?

Fig-Okay, so all of the commercials on TV show trucks going over obstacles that rival the grand canyon at one point or another. And all of the aforementioned traits tend to make great buying points when you are deciding to drop half the economy of a small country on a vehicle. Yet I think that they wait to tell you until after you have signed all of the paperwork, and can't undo the deal, that what you have just signed juniors college fund away for can't handle Railroad Tracks.

Frag-??

Fig-I know you have spent time driving around in the city, and as we live close to railroad tracks, you have to have noticed that more people stop for tracks than red lights. So this leads me to conclude that we have been lied to for years. We have been tricked to spending tons of money on what we think can do anything, except go over train tracks at a reasonable speed.

Frag-Where do you come up with this stuff?

Fig-All of the rugged, testosterone boosting, image enhancing, hauling, conquering trucks are made of the most delicate substance on Earth. And that is why they have to stop for train tracks. So in a Zombie Apocalypse, whatever you decide to drive, dear god, don't drive a truck! Take a Mini instead, those can fit down stairwells!

Frag-*facepalm*

Professional you say??

So I have been arguing with myself again. I know why I do it, but it annoys me when I can't come to a conclusion. So it just keeps going. Lately I have been wondering exactly what makes a person a 'professional'. Now I don't mean in a business setting but more in a service type setting. You have professional plumbers, hairdressers, artists, drivers, and the list goes on. But what exactly defines someone as a 'professional'? Is it the act of being paid for your service? Is it the rate at which you are hired for jobs? Could it be that you simply proclaim yourself a professional? Or does one need tons of paperwork behind their name?

You see, I have a professional henna and body art business. And I have made the move into tattooing as well. Now I have discovered tons of animosity between artists. There is a huge rift in the tattoo community. Now I am all for people being taught properly, and making sure that they hold themselves to the highest standard possible, but I also realize that there are tons of lazy people who won't or can't be bothered to do things the right way. From what I have gleaned, if you didn't do your learnin' in a shop, then you are considered shit. You are called a scratcher and scorned by artists who probably started out in a similar spot.

I do think that there are benefits from learning from experienced artists. I have an experienced artist who is teaching me, but alas, he does not have a shop currently. So I have had to learn how to make a sterile shop environment.

But does the fact that my teacher is not currently in a shop enough to keep my from attaining the label of professional in the art of tattooing? Or should it be based on the quality of ones work? Do you want a person who is good at what they do, and loves what they do, or do you want someone who is only in for a paycheck?

I am a professional henna artist. People pay me to provide a service. I am also a professional face painter and airbrush artist. People pay me for those services as well.

So does the fact that ones' skills are in demand make one a professional? Or do you just need business cards?

Now I know that people are going to say that no matter how good you are, if you didn't spend 6 months sweeping floors and making coffee runs, then you don't know shit about the industry. If you didn't crawl your  way up from scrubbing down counter tops, and schlepping crap, then there is no way that you can be as good as someone that did...

So I figure that since I have people who pay me for my services, I am licensed and what not, that I count as a 'professional' body artist.

I think I am gonna run with that.

Fig and Frag Present...

Easter Fun!!!!

Frag- It's that time of year again when people shower kids with chocolate, eggs, and bunnies. I heard that the amount of money spent on Easter is equivalent to $145 per person in the US. Now to be fair, I don't know if they are talking about citizens of the US and bypassing all of the illegals, or if that figure includes them as well. That's a hell of a lot of chocolate bunnies.

Fig-I know for a fact that I didn't spend anywhere near that figure on Easter crap. How do I know? Because the only thing I bought was a pack of peeps. A whole whopping $1.99 plus tax. Why did I buy these cheap yellow marshmallow chicks? One word...Jousting.

Frag-If you have never jousted with peeps, then you are truly missing one of the finer parts of Easter. Peep Jousting allows one to re-create an integral part of religious history. Violence. Through the use of modern technology and a few sharpened points of wood, one can host their very own tournament. And the great thing is that peeps come in so many different colors and shapes, you can set up whole teams! Make up brackets, paint little numbers on your Peeps, hold a grudge match with the chocolate bunny from last year! It's like a final four just for those of us who don't like basketball!

Fig-I do have to say that I prefer the Peeps chicks. They hold the tooth pick perfectly and have excellent aim. The surface that you set them on will also effect their performance. I prefer those thin paper plates that won't hold any type of food that weighs more then a snack bag of chips. They are cheap, and 200 plates is likely more than you will need for your whole event. And you can just toss them. As for the arena (read--microwave), this is where knowing your stuff will really come in handy. I really like the ones with the carousel in the bottom as you get a 360 degree view of the action. But you have to make sure that it's not one of those tiny ones that has really thick screen that makes it hard to see. The lower the voltage of your microwave the longer the match, but you don't have to worry about things catching fire.

Frag-Most matches tend to take about 1 to 1 1/2 minutes. By then the Peep should have almost touched the top of the microwave, if you have a smaller unit, then you may have some clean-up to do. I would recommend cleaning in-between matches as solidified marshmallow is the devil to get off of anything after it is cooked a few times.

Fig-Now if Jousting is not to your tastes, then you can always have the bunny races. If you have a nice sunny day all you need is a bunch of chocolate bunnies (use the same size/kind to keep things fair) and a bunch of magnifying glasses. If you haven't quite figured out how this works...You line everyone up for the race, each person gets a bunny and a magnifying glass (you can prolong the race by freezing the bunnies before hand), then it is a race to see who can melt their bunny the fastest with the magnifier, and, *dramatic music* The Power of the Sun!

Frag-Ha! I see what you did there! Now this one can be kinda messy, so make sure that you either use small bunnies, or you have bowls for the melted chocolate. The first one to completely melt their bunny gets a prize!

Fig-I was thinking that maybe we should hand out colored eggs as the prizes.

Frag-That's kinda boring don't ya think? I mean I was thinking along the lines of those little plastic Zombie figures. Maybe some jelly brains!

Fig-Don't you mean jelly beans?

Frag-Nope, brains. It kinda fits with the whole rising from the dead thing that they have going on there.

Fig-I see.

Frag-Well, whatever your plans are to kick off the season of fertility, have fun, stay safe and remember that there is only so much egg salad that one can consume at a time!

Us Vs. Them

I forgot to post this last week, so you get a two-fer today...

So I should really stop watching the news first thing in the morning. All it does is piss me off when I listen to the glaring disparity that is present in our society. For instance, this morning I was watching channel 9 news and they were talking about Robert Blagojevich and his having to report for jail.

Okay, not a biggie. Then they brought up that he would be coming here to Colorado. Alright, I guess. But not because he was sentenced to come to Colorado to serve his time, but because he wanted to serve it here.

I know right!

I want to commit a Federal Crime and then be able to dictate the terms of my prison sentence. "Um, I don't think I want to go to a prison in the state where I committed my crime, so I think I will serve my time in, let's say, Hawaii. Yep on a beach."

Bullshit.

If you or me or anyone else that is not a high profile person gets busted for anything, we have to go where they send us. We don't get to be picky. I am sure that lawyers have figured out a way to move some of the upper middle class around the country for the best possible stay. But if you can't afford one of those super sneaky bastards, then you get stuck where ever they have room.

Even if it is with Bubba.

Do you remember the whole Paris Hilton in jail crap? I mean she didn't even last 3 days before they let her out because she was having anxiety attacks.

It is this kind of crap that perpetuates the whole 'class warfare'. It's not a case of the poor hating the rich because they have money, it is a case of the poor hating the rich because they do get treated differently. They do get more perks with their paycheck, and they apparently get to pick where and how long they get to serve time for breaking the law.

I sure as shit know that if I were to get arrested, then all bets are off and I will not be given those choices. If I have a panic attack in jail, they would just haul my butt to the infirmary, and give me a sedative. Not early release...

Wag the Dog...

For the love of all that is drunk and unholy! It has only been about 24 hours and yet I know everything about someone that I don't give a shit about. I don't care about Manning, or the fact that he is going to be a Bronco. Let me repeat that for the hearing impared, I. Don't. Care.

I would say that I am amazed that every single media outlet is going balls to the wall with the news that a sports team gets a new person, but that would be a lie. It is an election year, a bunch of politicians have pretty much started down the "a woman is not a person" road, thus erasing years of struggle to become equals, and no one seems to give a rats ass. Apparently the only thing that we phlebs can be expected to care about is who can throw a bag inflated with air the best.

This is a prime example of what is going on with our country. We as a people are more than willing to play with our toys, and leave the heavy lifting upto someone else. We like to be distracted. We want to be taken care of. We want to watch the show with all of the special effects instead of the documentary. We want our country to be what we are making it in to. And we wonder why the rest of the world thinks that we are a joke. Sure we have the coolest military toys, but we are uncouth, rough and only steps away from complete barbarism.

Now I don't think that I would go so far as to say that there is some unnamed entity that is monitoring and controlling our media, but when it is all the same noise on every channel, then I start to wonder if maybe there might be something behind the proliferation of mindless stories. I mean, there is not one form of media that I watch that doesn't have something about Manning and the Broncos. Short of ignoring all forms of media, there is no way that I can avoid all of the opinions, facts, and fluff surrounding this, the latest in trying to propel a sports team to a coveted title.

It's not like there's a war on or anything...

Movie time...Or not

Fig-Hey Frag! Do you know what we get to do tonight??

Frag-Um, no. What do we get to do?

Fig-We get to go on an adventure. We get to traverse some of the most dangerous terrain know to modern man! Then we get to make our way through crowds so thick that you don't have to stand on your own two feet!

Frag-What the hell are you talking about?

Fig-...And then we get to be willingly swindled out of hard earned money, and frustrated to no end!

Frag-I am still trying to figure out where you are going with this...

Fig-We are going to...*scary music*...The Movies!

Frag-Oh no, is it really that time of the year again?

Fig-Yep. When all of the overpriced, over-told, over everything movies hit the big screen.

Frag-The only problem is that everything has already been done. There are no original movies anymore. The popcorn is stale and the prices just keep going up!

Fig-But you are paying for the experience! The stadium seating, the cup-holder arm rests, and the cute little boxes of candy!

Frag-No. What I am paying for is to have my seat kicked by some snot-nosed punk who has no sense of personal space, some idiot who feels that the 'Please turn off your status symbol' message doesn't apply to them, and people who think it's a great idea to bring a 2 year old to the latest showing of a scary movie.

Fig-But, but, I thought you loved the movies?

Frag-I do love movies. But I really don't like going to the theater to see them anymore. I don't like having to take my own life in my hands trying to find a parking space, I don't like the fact that people don't exercise any type of sense when it comes to bringing their kids. I like going to later movies because then I could at least be somewhat assured that it would be free of kids that were under 15.

Fig-So what are you saying? Are you saying that you are going to give up on going to the movies?

Frag-I think I might. I am just fed up with the atmosphere in the theaters anymore. Hollywood has gotten lazy, and I am tired of paying for the same Micheal Bay movie over and over again.

Fig-I miss the cartoons.

Frag-That's another thing! Who here remembers when they showed cartoons before the movie? Now all they show are ads and previews. If I wanted to watch commercials I would keep my ass at home! For me the act of going to the movies has become so unpleasant that I don't mind waiting for a show to end up on DVD.

Fig-But what about the popcorn?

Frag-Ya know, they make these wonderful things called...Popcorn poppers! And yes, you can even buy crappy butter-like oily stuff at the grocery store. What's your excuse now?

Fig-I, uh, I think mayb...maybe the next time will be better?

Frag-I doubt it...

Ramble, ramble, ramble

So I know its been a while since I have written a post, not because I don't have things that I want to say, I have just been stoopid busy. I manage to do this to myself every now and again. So I have to now make it a point to take some time and just write for the hell of it. So here ya go, a nice set of wonderfully disjointed thoughts to get you ready for a snow storm and a weekend.

I figured out a while ago that I really don't like massive corporations. They are top heavy and tend to take too long to react to changing conditions. And unfortunately, one of them has become almost a necessary evil. It is a giant sucking whirl-pool of cheap goods. Stuff is so cheap that everyone can afford to shop there, but then it traps people into having to shop their to get their cheap stuff. Now while there is one that rises to the top of the scale when it comes to just plain nuts and hard to deal with, there are several smaller corporations who make dealing with the giants look like a walk in the park.

These are the aspiring minor demons. They want to reach the full-grown demon size of the corporation in the first part of this rant. These minor demons are in many ways even worse. If you can show that a problem that has cropped up has been solved, then they look to make sure that a totally un-related issue be addressed. And then another one, then another one, ad naseum. I think you get the point. They are like a person with just enough education to make them think that they know it all. These are the most painful to deal with. At least with a full grown pain in the ass, you get to deal with all of the individual cells.

This makes a great portion of my job a pain in the ass. Any little hiccup and the whole apple cart gets toppled.

There have been a lot of hiccups lately.

So now onto the political section of this rant...Remember when the Tea Party was the scariest thing on the scene?? Yeah well now the republicans have surpassed the once laughable group of nutballs. Now, today, they are voting on a bill that could possible end access to birth control for hundreds of thousands of women. And it's the Dems too. They have their part in all of this crazy. It seems to me that both partes are actively trying to distance themselves from their voting base. They are running away from the common people as fast as their little legs can carry them.

And I have no idea who's bright idea it was to all but ignore the fact that gas could hit a projected $5 a gallon this summer. I will never be happier to be able to park our suburban and take the bikes. Hell, I can't wait for it to be warm enough at 6:00 am so that I can ride to work.

I have decided that I love tattooing. I love seeing a peice of art come alive, and seeing people's reaction change at it changes. I love testing my skills, and re-working a peice until it is just right. And what's even better than that is I get to do it again on Saturday!

Valentines day...

Ah, Valentines day. The day of inflated expectations. The day that teaches us we are not worthy of love if we don't currently have someone special in our lives.And the best example of legalized prostitution that we have. If there is one thing that Valentines day teaches us, is that if you give people stuff, they will like you. Love  you even. It is the candy coating on the dark chocolate of a relationship. Sweet at first, then complex with a touch of bitterness before you decide you love it.

Now don't get me wrong, I love shiny, cuddly, chocolaty stuff as much as the next girl, but I love it even more when it happens on different days throughout the year. I love the fact that my husband doesn't need a reminder to do something special for me, or I for him. And maybe I am just getting older, but the thought of a cardboard heart filled with diabetes inducing sweets just doesn't turn me on anymore. The thought of spending cash on flowers that are not going to last is great, but I want my stuff to hang around for longer than a week.

The kind of love that Valentines Day proposes is the kind of Love that everyone dreams of. Yeppers the big 'L' love. The one that movies are made about, the kind that poets spend hours preaching. And yet aside from romantic movies, nothing makes those who are single, or those who can't spend the kind of time they want to with the one they love, feel more lonely. 

And we start our kids early. Who out there doesn't remember going to the store and getting cheap Valentines for your class in school? I know I did. She-Ra and GI Joe were huge when I was in school. So it became a competition. Who had the coolest Valentines for the class? That award always went to the kid who gave out big suckers, or treat bags or anything but conversation hearts. With our decorated paper bags hung off of the front of our desks, we waited. As everyone got up one by one and put those coveted cards into re-purposed lunch bags, we tried to see who was handing out what. The we got to party. We got to sort through piles of garishly colored cards to see if we did get one from everyone in the class. Because nothing sucked quite as much as getting to the last kid in class and realizing that you miss-counted and are short a Valentine. I always over counted.

And even when my teenage son was in elementary school, we went through this ritual. Then in 5th grade, Valentines abruptly ended. It is taboo to have kids that are of middle-school age trading little love notes. So we are taught that it is okay, then it's not, then it has to be okay, or you will be sleeping on the couch for the week. I really wish we could make up our minds.

Doom and Gloom...

So there is a snow storm headed our way. Out here in lovely Colorado, we think we know all about snow. And most of us who have lived here for at least 10 years can look back and remember 2-3 really good blizzards that managed to close down the city for a couple of days. I know I can think of at least 3 without any help at all. So every time we get a big storm headed our way, people panic. No Shit.

Now one thing I love about my state is the weather. If we get a blizzard after December, it really only sticks around for a few days, then everyone can get their kids back to soccer and flute lessons. But there is always a few. You know who you are. Don't look at me like that. You will be filling up every vehicle in your fleet, and buying every roll of toilet paper, and gallon of water you can fit in your SUV. You ask everyone what their plans are if the storm really is as bad as everyone thinks. You plot, you plan, you stock up like it's 1999.

Well, here is the truth. It's just snow, it melts, and most people would be more than happy to miss a day or 2 of work or school to be stuck at home with the family. I can remember the last blizzard we had I believe it was right before Christmas in 2006. It dumped about 2 feet of the white fluffy devil stuff in my neighborhood. Way more than my poor little truck could handle. So I went outside and shoveled every so often to cut down on the work when the snow finally stopped. My son managed to loose his shoe in our front yard. We didn't find it until our fair city finally thawed in the spring. That winter we got at least 5 inches of snow every Friday for 8 weeks.

So now every time we get a massive storm warning we get the 'doom and gloomers'. They come out all the time. Even in the middle of heat waves. They are poised to jump at the smallest sound, an react with lightning speed to try and assert even a small amount of control over natural forces. Get this...You Live In a Mountainous state where snow in the Winter is Common! You know it's coming, you know it's gonna suck having forced family time, and you know you're gonna run out of beer before it's all over.

I kinda like to snow...

Of mice and men....

So I spent the weekend with my husband vending at the Colorado motorcycle show and swap. It's always and interesting experience. I like getting to see people that I only get to see once a year, and it also gives me time to get in some grade- A people watching.

I find people fascinating. I think that our behaviors speak loudly about who we believe we are. If we believe ourselves to be confident, then we tend to walk a bit differently, we do not need to rely on flash to bring attention to ourselves. If we are shy, we carry our shoulders a bit lower. If we are insecure we feel the need to group together to validate ourselves.

At times we try really, really hard to make it seem like we don't care. We want certain labels, yet we don't want to be labeled. People go out of their way to seem indifferent. They seem to think that their outward presentation is accurate, and true. For some it is, for others it is an attempt to blend and yet stand out at the same time. Both men and women are guilty of this but in entirely different ways.

Men want other men to pay attention to them, and they want them to envy what they have. Be it a car, a girl or even clothes. Men have taken this so far as to say, 'If you're not wearing what we are wearing, then I am better than you.'  Men who need to cling to objects, or symbols, seem to be the ones saying "Look at me, but don't notice me"

Women have a few of the same wants, but also a very twisted way of playing the game. Women will dress provocatively, and then get upset when someone looks in their direction, or makes a comment. I know this for a fact. I used to do this when I was younger. I have since grown out of this, but I see many, many women who haven't grown out of this phase. And it shows.

If you don't want people to pay attention to you, then don't do anything to draw attention to you. If you don't care, then just do what you have been doing. If you want people to notice you, then don't get all pissy when they do, remember you wanted their attention in the first place.

So starts off the beginning of my people watching for the year.

Another year older....

So Monday was my birthday, I had to work. So in between running around and dealing with meetings, I had a few seconds to reflect on things.

I have become jaded and cynical. I don't trust anyone that I don't know really well, and I think that the carreer politician should be shot on principle. Everywhere I look, I see bullshit. I see drama, and I see bored people. I am also tired of hearing how much things suck right now. Listen, things suck for me too, but I am working on a plan. I have cut back on the shows that cost too much money to do, and I am going to invest that energy in my body art business, and my garden.

I love my garden. It is one place where I can go and be alone without truly being alone. Mainly because the hubby won't help...but that's another story. A few years ago I had a killer garden going. I had tons of tomatoes and potatoes, garlic and onions. This year I am going to be planting more stuff that I can freeze, or that will keep for a really long time. I made sure and left my weekends open from Mothers Day through Labor Day.

I have also discovered that my tolerance level has bottomed out.

Someone once told me that in your 20's, everything is mutable. Everything can change for the better and you see the world in color. In your 30's the color fades to shades of grey where the lines start to blur. The edges get fuzzier. Then in your 40's, the world, having lost all of it's fantastic colors has become stark black and white. There are no fuzzy edges, and there is little room for much to change in your mind. You like what you like and that's all there is to it.

I can understand part of that now. But only part